i hope u can shed some light my way…i met this 36y/o man online. he posted, i replied. we have been seeing each other for 4 months now but our sex life is nonexistant. we connected emotionally from the beginning. stayed at his place every night from day 2. we’d end up talking, cuddling at night but no sex until about 2 wks into it. his method has always been tantra style. i like it a bit faster. there’s very little foreplay or what i call messing around so when we have made love i don’t feel turned on, don’t climax. he recently divulged he doesn’t feel pleasure when we have intercourse because he’s small to average. however, he has stated he has been with other women who are “bigger” in the vagina and has orgasmed. one of the may probs is that he gets off when his partner gets off and since i don’t scream, scratch the walls, or climax he can’t get excited enough….i am insecure in my sexuality. have never had an adult relationship as he has and i had not had sex for almost 10 yrs prior to meeting him…..we’re at the point that if our sex life doesn’t improve we’re going to end it….i think we can work on it literally but can one have a relationship and not be sexual compatible? everything else is great. the sharing, talking, cuddling, hanging out, cooking together…we have yold each other we love each other and we don’t want to break it off but i’m afraid it can lead to that….also i cannot climax by myself either even though i have been masturbating for years…am i desensitized?how can i not know how to pleasure myself? i don’t feel turned on like i did when i was a teen…am i expecting too much? how can i work on my self esteem? from the beginning i felt he was too good looking, too awesome for me. i know thinking that has affected our relationship. he tells me i’m beautiful, my weight is perfect (even though i’m the heaviest he’s ever dated). so physically, we both like each other but when it comes down to pleasuring ourselves it’s bad. embarassingly, i tend to lose the rythym whether i’m on top or bottom. what is wrong with me? please advice and soon.

I understand your anxiety over the issue but let me tell you very basic thing about the solutions of sexual problems. Get relaxed first, so far you and your partner remain tense your problem is going to worsen. Second thing is you need to have patience because it may take some time to revive the “spark”. Men are interested in the act and women are interested in the time spend during the act. Therefore, to charge a woman foreplay is very important and to give her feeling of satisfaction after play is very important. As per your mail, there is little foreplay between you so spend more time on that. For initial few days just foreplay and not an act can be good idea. You like it fast, have you said this to him? You should be very divulging about your preferences during the act. You may take help of good romantic background music and/or some erotic movies to excite yourself. Sizes are psychological; it really does not matter much in passionate act. Dreaming up your excitement through imagination (of act, of another partner etc.) can also help you. Discuss your feeling of insecurity with him and seek his sympathetic support in solving this problem. You may have some other underlying emotional issues, may be in subconscious mind. It is not a bad idea at all to seek some professional help if these things do not work out.