Hi Dr, I was going through this site & somehow found interesting & thought that if I share my problem & get any suggestions. I’m 30 years & for last 3 years settled abroad. I’m married for 1 year 3 months. It’s a love marriage & I had a love affair of 10 years with my wife before we got married. Let me brief you few things before I get into the actual problem. After I completed my Masters I left my home city & moved to other city for my job. For a year or 2 me & wife, she was my girl friend that time, was in touch over phone, chat & even I used to go back to my city & meet her twice in a year. Those days both of our parents never accepted our relationship & my parents used abusive languages to her parents. Even my parents always wanted me to send them money from my income & that demand always used to go up. But I didn’t have any choice. All these stuffs my girlfriend didn’t liked it & we used to quarrel on those things. Now due to all these problems, mental tension, loneliness as well as sexual needs I fall in love with another girl in the city where I was working, she was also coming out from a broke up affair. Initially we were just friends, but soon we got very close. But from very beginning I told her that I already have a girlfriend back to my home city whom I have to get married, even she had some family related things where she have to marry someone chosen by her parents, our caste was different even our food habits. But still due to moral support & loneliness, good feeling, sexual need, whatever it is we got closed & love each other. Now with both these girls though I was physical but didn’t have intercourse because both of them didn’t wanted to have it before marriage & I never forced them. Now the time came when I was coming to abroad leaving my job in India, the separation between me & the girl with whom I fall in love in my working city was painful but we accepted it as our fate & moved on. Before coming to abroad I was in my home city for 2 weeks to spend time with my parents, relatives, & my girl friend there, but somehow my girl friend came to know about my relation with the girl in my working city & we had a big quarrel, at the end I told her that it will good that we should break up as I have lost attraction towards you as I was in love with that girl. Even she realized that my sexual attraction towards her also diminished & feelings as well. But she continuously blamed me for all these but she also told she can’t come out of this relation. She will commit suicide if I get out of this relation. I worked for 3 years in India. During this course of 3 years my parents somehow came into terms with her and her parents, agreed on the marriage. My brothers, sisters, other relatives also knew about our long love relationship. So keeping everyone in my mind & not to hurt anyone I agreed to carry on this relation. After 1 year in abroad I went back & got married to her, my girlfriend with whom I had 10 years of affair but I could feel it fading fast. After marriage I can feel it that I’m not getting any kind of sexual attraction towards her. Initially I used to do it once in a week just to make her happy but I could sense that it’s not coming from my inside, but soon it worsened. I started losing entire sexual interest towards her & its like more than once a month. Between it also happened that she was eager to have it & started it but though I was not feeling from inside I thought maybe I’ll try to satisfy her. But I couldn’t hold my erection long as I was not feeling from inside. I don’t have a problem with sexual arousing or erection because, while I watch porn these days as well, I get erection & do masturbate. due to loss of sexual attraction towards my wife I’m now indulge into internet sex, where I have couple of women who are also in sexual need. We have sexual chat, phone sex as well, like talking erotic, get excitement, erection, & masturbation. So my sexual need, arousing, erection, everything is fine but I don’t have any attraction to my wife. Another thing is that, my foreskin doesn’t go back & I use condom while having sex with my wife. So it has also happened when I’m at peak of my excitement & I’m tearing of the condom packet, taking it out & putting on, during this I used to lose erection as well. Within all these I feel pity for my wife & want to get back that sexual desire towards her but unable to get it. Couple of times it happened that thought I was not feeling to have sex with my wife. Since she wanted, I tried but didn’t have any erection due to my mind was not willing to have it with her. I discussed this with wife, she got upset. That time I told her, please don’t force me, if I get urge I’ll do it. but I hardly get it towards her, if at all I’m in sexual need, still I don’t feel like doing it with her & even that things play on my mind that if I do against my will I won’t have proper erection & will be a failure. Even after that she don’t even try to have sex with me, as she feels like if I get an urge I’ll do it. So please help me to get out of this problem, we have everything perfect in our relationship other than small quarrels related to our parents but this sex life is getting totally ruined. There was a time before marriage & before the other girl came into my life, I used die for having sexual act with her but after marriage I hardly get any attraction. Please advise me what to do?

Your marriage is based on compromise from both of you. You compromised even you had lost interest in her and she compromised with your infidelity. Naturally there has to be bitterness within. With these emotional baggages, I do not think that your sexual life can come to normal. Both of you need to accept this and should take couple therapy to resolve your deep laid emotional issues.