Hello sir, Thanks for your service first. I have some complications from which I suffer a lot. I have to tell everything in detail to explain my problem. From childhood, mentally, I was very close to God. Also, I did my regular work well. I was very good in studies and other extra-curricular activities. Also, I was a dynamic girl at that age. And, I didn’t like marriage, to go to otherâ€™s house and to get adjust with them and also sexual life, even from my school days. I wanted to come up in life and earn more and to live independently and to spend my time in social service. These things were on somewhere at the corner of my brain as they are not important on those days. But, I do watch cinemas and like romantic movies. Also, I like my friends and I move socially with boys while studying in college. Everything was going smoothly. But, slowly, I wasn’t able to concentrate on my prayers, which I do regularly. Some bad thoughts which I didnâ€™t want to think disturbed me while praying, but not so seriously. Then, I got disturbed often while I was doing other household works also. By that time, I used to do the things repeatedly thinking that I was erasing those thoughts. But, these things happened slowly so that I didn’t realise that I was in some problem. But, still, I was enjoying my life, studying, working, going out, watching TV programs, movies, hearing music and chatting with friends. Then, my parents decided me to get married. First, I opposed it very strictly and they tried to convince me. Though, I was not convinced I decided to agree it for them. Everyone is good in my husband’s family and I got adjusted with them. But, I was not at all having sexual feelings and didn’t show interest on it, but I accepted it for my husband and he is a person who has such feelings much. I got conceived and I struggled a lot by that time with the problem, I said before, why because, getting such thoughts was increased very much as I got married then. Then I gave birth to a female child and that happiness was also lost as I lost her within five months as she died of diarrhoea. Then, I was depressed very much and slowly, I came out of that. Then, I thought of going to job as it would be a good diversion. But, by that time also, I was suffering from that problem, but I was able to minimize its level as I had to spend lot of my time in office. Then, after a year, I gave birth to a male child. He is fine and 3 years old now. Nowadays, I could not tolerate the mental disturbance getting from those thoughts as I always stay in house to look after my child so I get them repeatedly. Not even a single second, I was not able to concentrate on praying to God, not able even to look at the idol. And one more thing, at the time of having sex with my husband, I get all god’s names and pictures in my mind so I just begin to hate myself and this is really a tragedy to me. What to do? Why I get sexual thoughts while praying and think of god at sexual moments. My husband has also got depression as I am not like a normal wife. I feel very bad on my part. I think of committing suicide daily, that too, many times. But, I won’t do that as I have to live for my son as mother is the best care-taker for a child. But, for how many days, Can I continue this struggle, how to overcome this, I don’t understand. Please give your sincere advice. Thanks.
You are suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Consult psychiatrist nearby. It is curable.