Dear Dr. Bhachech, thank you for all the practical solutions that you have given to the individuals to make their relationships work. I was going through your site and after reading all the responses you have given I thought I will put in my case to you. It’s one of those long emails which will take in your time. I want to be honest with my situation and seeking your advice on the same. Mine is a long distance love, that too with a married man having a son aged 10yrs. Initially we were just friends, but when I travelled to Kerala along with our common friend both of us realized that we were having feelings for each other, but never expressed. We used to talk every day, and when we became close through our telephonic conversations. One day he proposed me over the phone and I immediately agreed. Even before he met me, he didn’t have good relationship with his wife, as his wife is no longer interested in him. They don’t talk to each other or have any relationship of any kind. She doesn’t care for him and he doesn’t love her any more. He states he is only maintaining the formal relationship because of his son and doesn’t want to spoil his life. When we entered into relationship he clearly stated that he can’t come out of his marriage because of his son, and I have no problems with that. I never want him to come out of his marriage. He loves me a lot, I know that. He is my life. I support him whenever he wants, and never come between his responsibilities. We travel once in 2months for 2to 3days and spend time together. But the thing is I feel he doesn’t feel any responsibility towards me. He always expects my time though I am in office, he expects not to attend any meetings or involve in office things. I sacrificed my career to make him happy because I can’t see him being upset. I need to be with him right from the time he wakes up from the bed till he sleeps in the night he needs me. He is so emotionally dependent on me for each and everything right from the food he needs to eat he wants me to tell him. I enjoy that and I have no problems to give him time. The first time when he came to Hyd after we expressed our love for each other, he applied sindoor to me in temple and he mentally treats me as a wife. Though he is a Christian and I am Hindu we have no differences of any kind, and he follows my belief and I respect his beliefs too. The relationship is going very smooth, there is only one problem. The problem is when he mentally treats me as his wife why can’t he take up my responsibility. I always told him that I don’t want to financial depend on him, but though he doesn’t support me financially I want him to plan our future. I want him to take a lead and plan things like where I need to settle and how I need to invest. But in these cases he feels very irresponsible. I never asked him money anytime, but he sends me gifts. When the shop doesn’t do well (he is a businessman) he thinks how I will manage home and how will I clear the payment for the day. I never involve in anything. I am very close to his son too and I treat him with love only because he is my husband (I truly feel this way). I feel very depressed and hurt when I think why doesn’t he think of my future and why doesn’t he feel my responsibility. When he is spending Rs50 for shop and Rs40 for his home, I expect him to save Rs7 for him and Rs3 for me. I want to him feel my responsibility the way he plans for his son. But whenever I talk about this he only tells me don’t take relationship serious. Future is tomorrow and the future is you will settle either in Chennai or Bangalore and will see each other every month. How should I make him understand and make him feel that he has certain responsibility towards me. (I know he should feel it and I can’t demand the same). He loves me very very much, we never had sex, but we were intimating to the extent of kissing each other. He doesn’t force me or pressurize me for physical pleasure. Everything is fine but I only want him to feel that responsibility because I belong to him. We want to come and meet you and get some counseling to make our relationship work. I don’t want to lose him. he is my life…Please help me

To say that I love you and to make you feel that somebody loves you, are different things. I think this gap exists in your relationship. I do not understand one thing, on one hand he says he loves you and on other hand telling you not to take relation seriously! Worries about your loved one’s future are very natural in its occurrence and here that natural occurrence is missing. Not only that, it is not a matter of concern even on your insistence! Both of you should reexamine your relationship and love. Is true love exist or it is only a need based relationship? You may not like this as you seem to be deeply in it but you need to consider this. You should take it as a third eye view.