Dear Dr. Bhachech, thank you for all the practical solutions that you have given to the individuals to make their relationships work. I was going through your site and after reading all the responses you have given I thought I will put in my case to you. It’s one of those long emails which will take in your time. I want to be honest with my situation and seeking your advice on the same. Mine is a long distance love, that too with a married man having a son aged 10yrs. Initially we were just friends, but when I travelled to Kerala along with our common friend both of us realized that we were having feelings for each other, but never expressed. We used to talk every day, and when we became close through our telephonic conversations. One day he proposed me over the phone and I immediately agreed. Even before he met me, he didn’t have good relationship with his wife, as his wife is no longer interested in him. They don’t talk to each other or have any relationship of any kind. She doesn’t care for him and he doesn’t love her any more. He states he is only maintaining the formal relationship because of his son and doesn’t want to spoil his life. When we entered into relationship he clearly stated that he can’t come out of his marriage because of his son, and I have no problems with that. I never want him to come out of his marriage. He loves me a lot, I know that. He is my life. I support him whenever he wants, and never come between his responsibilities. We travel once in 2months for 2to 3days and spend time together. But the thing is I feel he doesn’t feel any responsibility towards me. He always expects my time though I am in office, he expects not to attend any meetings or involve in office things. I sacrificed my career to make him happy because I can’t see him being upset. I need to be with him right from the time he wakes up from the bed till he sleeps in the night he needs me. He is so emotionally dependent on me for each and everything right from the food he needs to eat he wants me to tell him. I enjoy that and I have no problems to give him time. The first time when he came to Hyd after we expressed our love for each other, he applied sindoor to me in temple and he mentally treats me as a wife. Though he is a Christian and I am Hindu we have no differences of any kind, and he follows my belief and I respect his beliefs too. The relationship is going very smooth, there is only one problem. The problem is when he mentally treats me as his wife why can’t he take up my responsibility. I always told him that I don’t want to financial depend on him, but though he doesn’t support me financially I want him to plan our future. I want him to take a lead and plan things like where I need to settle and how I need to invest. But in these cases he feels very irresponsible. I never asked him money anytime, but he sends me gifts. When the shop doesn’t do well (he is a businessman) he thinks how I will manage home and how will I clear the payment for the day. I never involve in anything. I am very close to his son too and I treat him with love only because he is my husband (I truly feel this way). I feel very depressed and hurt when I think why doesn’t he think of my future and why doesn’t he feel my responsibility. When he is spending Rs50 for shop and Rs40 for his home, I expect him to save Rs7 for him and Rs3 for me. I want to him feel my responsibility the way he plans for his son. But whenever I talk about this he only tells me don’t take relationship serious. Future is tomorrow and the future is you will settle either in Chennai or Bangalore and will see each other every month. How should I make him understand and make him feel that he has certain responsibility towards me. (I know he should feel it and I can’t demand the same). He loves me very very much, we never had sex, but we were intimating to the extent of kissing each other. He doesn’t force me or pressurize me for physical pleasure. Everything is fine but I only want him to feel that responsibility because I belong to him. We want to come and meet you and get some counseling to make our relationship work. I don’t want to lose him. he is my life…Please help me

To say that I love you and to make you feel that somebody loves you, are different things. I think this gap exists in your relationship. I do not understand one thing, on one hand he says he loves you and on other hand telling you not to take relation seriously! Worries about your loved one’s future are very natural in its occurrence and here that natural occurrence is missing. Not only that, it is not a matter of concern even on your insistence! Both of you should reexamine your relationship and love. Is true love exist or it is only a need based relationship? You may not like this as you seem to be deeply in it but you need to consider this. You should take it as a third eye view.

Dear Sir, I am writing this on behalf of one of my Friend. She was having affair with one of her colleague in Office. Though they didn’t have any physical relation at all. Both are from different state, religion and caste. Boy was ready for marriage but My friend couldn’t go ahead because of her family. Her parents have somewhat orthodox type of thinking. She likes her friend too much but she didn’t accept his proposal for marriage. She told him to go away from her life and broken all types of relation / contacts (as a friend, contacts by mail, phone etc). This happened one year back. Now problem is that even after doing all these things. She still remembers him and can’t forget him. She also doesn’t want to get married. I tried to explain her to forget all those things and look forward and to get married but She is not ready. How can I Convince her

Forgetting is an automatic process with the passage of time, provided you do not reinforce it. As she has stopped reinforcing acts like direct contact, sms, phone or mail; time will take care of his memories. You do not require doing any active thing except reinforcing acts.

Hello Sir, I am 25 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend (28 yrs) since last 8 years. We love each other a lot and everything was going well between us. It is also a long-distance relationship since last 4 yrs. My parents are against it because it is inter-religious. I have no issues with that and am ready to go against them. My problem is my boyfriend who is now suddenly very anxious about wedding. He says he is not ready since last 2 yrs and is now asking me to marry someone else as he thinks this might not work. The reason being his unwillingness to adjust. He says he might not be able to adjust himself to a married life. We have been fighting a lot since last 2 yrs and it has only aggravated this problem. I feel very depressed nowadays because of this. I feel lonely. I miss that love. I hate it when we fight. I feel I am losing him or rather lost him. I feel staying closer or together will solve the problem but he doesn’t seem to be very keen on it. I know he is not having another affair. His reasons seem very genuine but I am feeling very sad that he is not that into me anymore. I really want to marry him. How do you suggest that I should deal with this situation? I don’t want to force him in to marrying me.

You don’t want to force him?! In fact, you are indirectly forcing him to marry you since last 2 years!! If you feel that his reasons are genuine then you should overcome your dependence and insecurities and set him free. If he realizes that he cannot stay without you; he will come back, otherwise accept that he never meant to be yours. You cannot force somebody to love you or stay in the relationship.

I am a college student. My girlfriend is very fond of to make me doing oral sex (cunnilingus) & anal-oral sex on her. I like it very much. But sometimes she discharges a white-coloured fluid in my mouth. I like it for imbibing, but my question is, “is this vaginal-fluid harmful to me”?

No it’s not good as it may contain microorganisms like bacteria, fungi etc. Vaginal fluid is not as sterile as semen.

I am depressed. I can’t concentrate on my work. Others feel that I am fool as I am short tempered. There is no one with me and no body to guide me correctly for my future. I am alone. I want to make myself prove against others decisions. I have to prove my self that I can face my life problems alone. I am working with Mnc Company and I want to make myself and my carrier better in future. Please help me with this your quick response will be highly appreciated. Please help me. Thanks,

To find out reasons of your depression and loneliness, I need to have information about your age, marital status, family supports etc. Two things I want to point out from your mail. First you need to work on your short tempered nature because according to you, your temper is making you sound like a fool! (You will find tips on anger management in answers of other questions). Secondly, leave the obsession of proving yourself and conquering on others. All you need to do is just put your sincere efforts and do your best, rest of the things are natural result of it. 

I am 26 years old & I got married in Dec-2006. I want baby but not positive result get by us. My husband got check up for him & is normal. I also take ayurvedik treatment from last 4 month but there is no result. Doctor tells me that every thing is normal in both of you. Please tell me what I can do for pregnancy as soon as possible.

You should consult Infertility Specialist for further treatment options.

I am a married Hindu male working in Public Sector Company for the last 22 yrs. I have a married Christian lady colleague with whom I have been working for the last 11 years. She always have my opinion in all respect whether it is office matter, family matter, or medical matter related to her Gynecological or his family members. I love her most and as I have a lot of faith in her I have said her several times that she is special to me and I like her most, but she never gives me direct reply but remains silent. Many a times I have rebuked her and told her to cut relation with me but she never does so rather behaves with me more politely. Now I would like to know whether she loves me in real or just uses me to serve her purposes.

Respect in the relationship always comes out of love so you should not doubt her love for you. Women are always like to be indirect in their expression hence she might not be responding in the way you want. However, that does not mean that she does not love you or utilize you for her purposes. In spite of your rejection she behaves politely with you is other indirect indication that she loves and cares for you.

I’m expecting much from my friends, family. But they do not understand me. What to do? Daily I m getting much depressed.

You have already accepted that you are expecting much, so problem is your expectations and not with your friends or family’s understanding. Introspect regarding your expectation and try to check them. If they do not understand your expectation then make them clear that what you are expecting from them in particular time or situation.

Dear Dr, I am 27 years old and got married 2 years ago. I am not happy in my married life. My husband doesn’t spend time with me at all. He is taking his exams for FRCA from the time we got married. He is not using his time for studies or for me. he just watches TV and sits before computer. I don’t have anyone to talk with. Just I am left alone most of the time. I ask him to give me at least 10 min but in vain. he always hits me and hurts me with abusive words which I couldn’t forget. I am so much hurt. Even our sex life is not good. We have only once for every 2 or 3 months. I try speaking to him about this and his behavior toward me. But he just ignores me. I couldn’t bear to see him wasting his time without preparing for exams, because for the past 2 years he is not concentrating either in exams or in personal life. He hits for silly and simple reasons. I came to UK leaving my well paid job (as he requested) to be happy with him. I did not tell all this to my parents till now. please help me sort out this problem.(UK)

I hope he does not have any serious reasons for not giving you time (reasons can be anything like not liking you, his involvement some where else, his addiction to computer or TV etc.). Only you can make out this from his behavior or discussing with him. You should discuss this issue with him rather then just bagging for his time.
I’m not sure whether you are working or not but if you are not then start working. You need to develop your own worth and your own circle. If you start keeping yourself busy in your own schedule he will start feeling your absence and probably insecure also. You may speak to his parents rather then speaking to your parents.
Lastly, you should not tolerate his physical violence as each tolerated violence increases future possibilities of such an act in more serious way. You may warn him, hit back (this may end in more hitting at once but makes him to think twice before becoming physical in future), you may report his act to his parents and finally to police if need arises (Taking help of police in UK is very effective) .

I am 26yr old in LDR. We met few times and had sex. Recently he started business n became busy. Earlier we had time to chat for long know each other’s interests and background well. We enjoy phone sex too. Now he cites his frequent travels and job-demands needing great attention but calls for about 20mins and talks only about sex. I miss him and want to feel him more emotionally and sexually. That’s why I am unable to call for breakup to check for his real interest in me. Please advice

It seems that you are not his prime priority as even though he is busy he can spare sometime for a relationship if he wants to maintain but it seems that he is interested in only physical relation with you. But if that is not what you want then you need to talk to him about what you feel and clarify with him about your expectations in the relationship.