Hi Dr. Bhachech,I used to read your column when I was in India. Right now I am in US and not able to follow all Gujarati Newspapers that often. But I still remember you as your column is very good and I still remember some simple explanations that can change somebody’ life. I don’t think you remember my previous email. I am Doctor by profession. Right now I am doing my residency in US. When I was in India, I had crush on a girl from same medical school which turned out to be of same religion (jain) and also area. I got attracted to her but I was very shy at that time and I could only tell her after I finished my Internship (she was in 2nd MBBS at that time). I went through lot of emotional turmoil as she initially told me no and then told me that I can meet her parents and go ahead (she said sorry for behaving bad initially). But I had to go to US and it didn’t workout that time even though I met her mother once. I came here and used to talk to her on phone and email and she said that she cannot go ahead and told me that she got engaged to somebody just before my USMLE exam. You must be knowing how stressful the exams are especially in different world far away from home. I don’t blame her for this as she didn’t know me much and that was her response. Though I could never recover from that, as I used to think that she is always interested in me and never forgot her even after 4 years. What happened in between is I got my residency here. I started residency but I could not relate to any girl meanwhile as I was always lost in thoughts of her. Now comes sad part. All my friends got into relationship or engaged to somebody here in US. My very good friend at the same program where I am doing residency got into love with a girl. She is a very good friend of both of us. Now after 3 months they broke up. She wanted to continue this relationship but he said he didn’t find attachment in her. By the way girl is Marathi. She is not like very good looking but very cute and innocent girl. Now as I am their common friend they were very close to me before they broke up. Both are very good but somehow it didn’t work. Now I used to talk to her a lot and also used to take care of her very much as my friend told me to do so as he wanted to go far from her but continue to take care of her. I don’t know what happened in all this mess, but I got involved for no reason. As I told you my background, after having a broken heart I really didn’t find any love for almost 4 years and then as some girl talks to me, it is obviously unusual for me. I am not flamboyant kind of guy. I am very simple and straight forward. I thought my parents will get me hitched somewhere. It didn’t happen and I got involved in this breaking relationship. My problem is that now I am feeling like I am in love with this girl who is my friend’s so called ex-girlfriend. She is very cute and sweet. I can’t say no to anything what she says and what she asks me to do. I don’t know how far they were in their relationship but my mind is going crazy and I am feeling very bad and depressed as I can’t tell her that I like her and want to marry her. I am afraid she will think other way and whatever bond I have, I will lose. I am also afraid that what my friends and other people will think as everybody knew about this relationship. Now I am in between, I can’t express my feelings to anybody and she is my nearest friend and philosopher at this time. I don’t know what to do? Please suggest me something. Should I go forward and propose her for marriage or just keep all these feelings in my heart and marry other girl and choose non complicated path. Please give me some answer.

You seems to be very sentimental, introverted and guilt prone guy. It may not be your love for her but your desperation to get someone to fill vacuum created by that jain girl. I think you should keep yourself out of this relationship. If she will reject your proposal then you will break down and if she accepts then you will not able to sustain other friend’s comments on that. Moreover you will lose relationship with both or one of them.

Doctor, I am a 23 yr old girl from Hindu community. I love a Muslim guy and this relationship goes for about 4 and half years. Both of us fight very much and love each other a lot. We also had sexual relation many times. However, my parents wanted me to forget him and marry someone else. This is which I can never do any time. I feel I cannot live against my sub conscious mind. Can I live happily with him is my question. Will society allow Hindu girl and Muslim guy to exist happily. In addition, I masturbate and feel guilty later. I even promise on god that i will never masturbate again but I do it. Is it bad? Please tell me doctor. Thanks in advance.

Happiness in marriage depends upon both of you. Society may not accept your decision but understanding between both of you matters. Improve understanding to reduce fights.
Masturbation is normal physiological act and it does not cause harm. You should not feel guilty about your normal physiological urges.

Sir is masturbation a habit or a natural thing if done everyday?

If it is not compulsion then it is natural.

One of my friends is physically attracted towards me. He is a man of principle & has high moral values. But cannot resist the urge of hugging me or being physical with me. But he says this is not a love but just a chemistry that we both share. What is this chemistry & if there is even a little bit of love/ affection involved in it how I would convince him that he loves me.

He is clear in his mind for feelings that he has for you, but probably you are unable to accept the fact that he is just physically attracted and no emotional involvement is there. If you are comfortable with this equation then you may continue or else discuss your emotional need openly with him.

Dear Sir, I’m happy to stumble upon your website. I have a fiancée whom we have dated for 6 years 3 months. I really love this girl and she claims to love me too. We arranged to get married early January 2009. All the marriage arrangements have been made. I discovered this April that she had been having an affair for the past 2 years in school. She has been sending and receiving love messages to this guy. Since the day I discovered it, I’m have been finding it difficult to forget about it even though she apologized. I’m having feelings that she is still keeping the affair or maybe having other affairs. She still keeps the phone number of this guy. I’m thinking of quitting his relationship. Memories of she is unfaithful of fooling me keep hunting me. How do I approach this? I’m finding difficult to believe that she still love me. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for your concern to help.

Trust is the foundation of healthy interpersonal relationship. Try to resolve your doubts through frank discussions with her. Explain her, what keeps on worsening your doubts. Understanding at both ends can resolve this successfully.

Dr. I am 31 years old & having happy married life since past 7 years. Now I am doing graduation which is of 2 years so for that I have to stay outside from my family .Now 1 year has passed. In that time a boy who is 25 years old is my neighbor .At beginning we are just giving smile to each other. Later on he helped me many times that is why I am talking with him freely & sharing my problems with him .We are sending SMS to each other but as formal like friend. He is also studying in same college. He knows my family. My Husband is also talked with him & also knows we are friend. This guy has a girlfriend, both loves each other but not going to marry. He discusses all things with me & I was giving suggestion to him. After words I am finding that am getting involved in that guy. I was thinking about his problems & getting upset .When we are leaving each other I cried a lot that time I realized that I was missing him. After 3 months again I saw him there but he ignored me .He knew that I am caring & missing him. I tried to talk but he did not show any interest. That time I felt very guilty. I was confused about his behavior which disturbed my life. Then after 6 months again he met me & talked with me & told me he behaves this because He wants to see me happy by forgetting him. I accepted this but still I am confused whether, he does for seeing me happy or any other reason is there? Because of his behaviour I am feeling guilty whether missing any one is bad? I don’t know how I face that guy when he meets again but still I am crying for all that happened. Please help me to come out from this.

You need not feel guilty about missing anyone. As missing someone who is emotionally significant to us is not bad. As such you are married and cannot afford to be in an emotional relationship, outside your marriage. And if he is going away from you it is a reasonable thing to do under this situation so let the time pass and you grow out of this.

Got married at the age of 30 + Same community but through website. My husband is three years elder to me and much attached to his father and brother sisters. I faced many problems initially coz of that. We could not get out anywhere alone within 6-7 months. I was not given importance and always use to feel let down very often. After two months of my marriage I found out that, he had two affairs and couple of flings. He then told me that he used to be a flirt. The first affair he had seemed to me a serious affair and the girl was from his sister’s in-laws side. They tried to have intercourse one day but were not successful. I was shocked to hear all that as I had heard about that girl a lot from my in-laws. After sometime this girl who is now abroad came to meet her parents and my husband forced me to invite her for dinner as her sister would expect us to do so. I did that reluctantly. Wherever that girl was invited, we were also invited and we met her almost daily for at least one month. After that my husband went out of town and in his absence I checked his email. I found that this girl and my husband has exchanged emails after the visit of hers (although they were not talking to each other after her marriage). I also found my husband chatting online to some other girl with whom he used to chat before marriage. My problem is that even today I am unable to accept the fact that he had attempted to have intercourse before marriage as I wanted a person with clean past and he never mentioned anything to me at the time of our courtship and now after so many years again started talking. I just cannot take these things out of my mind. He loves my son and me a lot. Not in touch with that girl anymore and does not have flirtatious nature now. Do you think I am overreacting?

It is natural to feel cheated in these circumstances but you have to come out of it for two reasons. Whatever they tried to do is before your marriage. Secondly, He has changed for good (that’s what you have mentioned). So accept his past and go ahead in life, there is no point in remembering it when you feel that he is not the same old guy.

Sir, Pls guide me to solve this problem. I don’t have any control, stability, patience, negative thinking, depression etc. Moreover Headache, afraid of every thing, guilty, sad, loneliness….. Once I will start any business or job I can get good results. But I don’t have patience to improve my business or skills also. The main problem is my age 32, still haven’t married, I am afraid because I am interested in one lady and want to marry her, but she has connection with other person. 2-3 persons I can observe. Married persons also. Here in Kuwait more peoples have illegal contacts. I am not a doubting person. If I can marry they have some contacts I can not face that pain. I don’t have any other bad habits am a correct person in my work. I have an offer to marry USA green card holder also. Still I am facing the pain. That’s why I did not doing my job also and taking food sleeping etc. can u pls suggest me the solution

I do understand that you may have come across certain cases of premarital and post marital affairs but that does not mean every one has it. You can not avoid driving; thinking that so many people had an accident in past. If you find suitable match then you may think of getting married and once you decide on that line then stop thinking about her past and never try to dig it.
Your impatience seems to be a part of your personality and rest of symptoms may be because of Depression, which may be secondary to your emotional problem. Decide your priorities and plan your future action accordingly.

Sir, I am very grateful for this service. I am a 3rd year student of an engineering college. I know one of my seniors in our college from very 1st day. As he was our family friend too, I became very close to him. At the end of my 1st year he left our college and joined an MNC (in another state).Then I had realized what a tough moment was that. I realized I can’t live without him. But he was committed with another person. And he considered me as his sister. Hopefully he could understand my feelings .So he had not meet me before his going. But after 2 months I found him online in Google talk. He gave me his new contact number and we usually talked in weekend. Some body forced me to keep relation with him. But it was not possible. After some days he started to tell about his girlfriend. How much he misses her..Etc.. That day I could not control my feelings. I expressed and I was weeping simultaneously. He said he had become happy because I told him everything. And he will be my friend after this also and he will keep contact with me as before. Then 6 months passed. But we talked very often, maximum 2 or 3 days. One day he asked me in orkut ‘how am I, why don’t I call him like before. A little hope in me was developed again. I did not let him understand. But again suddenly he started to make me realize the facts as like before. Why do I think about him, it is not possible.etc. That day I told him ‘I don’t think about you now, I don’t want to call you even I don’t have any queries about you’ but at the end he said ok, good night, sweet dreams. I felt very sad and could not accept. I asked him to stop this and not to keep any contact with me because he doesn’t deserve that. He put off the phone. But I could not feel secure. I thought he might have taken that as a joke. I called him again after 7 days and said sorry. He just switched off the phone, and said his mood was not ok to hear those stupid things. I had fever and my blood pressure was low. My parents had to face many problems After being cure I called him again then he said his girlfriend does not like that he talks with me. Then I should not call him further. Now also I can’t sleep in night, can’t concentrate in my work even can’t eat properly. Every moment I feel somebody is playing with my feelings. And I feel to fight with my weakness.

You have developed emotional dependence on wrong person. He is playing with your emotions. Accept this fact and stop contacting him.

I am a married woman since last 6 yrs. my husband is a dr. he had a relationship with a girl younger than him about 12 yrs. he accepted it. Whether I should accept him as I love him so much or leave. I think he continues to contact with that girl by sending sms and email. I don’t like that. I have 5 yr old son. Whether I accept him or give divorce.

He continues with her even after you know about his relationship, which means he does not care about you or your emotions. However, he might be trying to convince you that he is not into the relations but if you are sure about sms and mails then he is fooling you. If you can compromise with the situation and accept it as your fate then stay on. Before thinking about divorce make sure that you are financially capable enough to live separately.