Hi, I am 21 and my husband is 24. We have been married for almost a year and we have a three month year old daughter. My husband is from Bangladesh and I am from Dutch. We have met in London and been together since December 07. Below I will explain my feelings. I hope you could give me some advice or perhaps you would understand what might be going on. I am waiting for your reply. Thank you. Confusion, disappointment, anger, exhaustion… all kind of feelings are running through me. Have I made a mistake, is this destiny or am I the person who is just never satisfied. I do not know. Do I belong with Shon? That is my big question. One day I am so sure that we are a definite mismatch and all I would want is to make an end on this. ‘I would be so much happier without him. We are so different.’ And another day I wake up and think that I am just going through a phase and really there is something else that I am not happy with and just think it’s my relationship. I try to find reasons; it’s because Shon works so much and we are not able to spend a lot of time together; or maybe because the life is not so easy I blame it on the relationship; or maybe I find the motherhood very difficult to cope with, completely on my own. Then I think, yeah, there is going to be a better time where I am going to be happy with Shon. Then, I just wake up and say to myself, am I crazy, am I blind to see that we are not destined for each other. Why am I looking for excuses? He is not the right person for me, that‘s the bottom line. Then I start to think, ok, what is so bad about him? And I cannot come up with something. He loves our daughter, he loves me to bits, he is very family orientated and yes… he has not established himself yet in life. And it seems the progress is very slow. However, I do not want to be the wife that is after money or his wealth. Because I am not! I tend to believe in him a lot, I know he can graduate or I know he will find a nice job where he is going be very happy with. But will he? If not, what would happen? He would always work in places where he is not happy. That will defiantly put pressure on me and I would not be able to go forward with my shoulders light if he is unhappy. I want him to be happy. I do not want to worry about him for the rest of my life. But what if that is going to happen? Our personalities are quite different. I am very driven person and do not like failures. I set high standers for myself and my achievements make me happy. I have goals in life and will persuade them no matter what. But will Shon hold me back if he finds his life tough? I want to wake to a happy day with a smile on my face. I want to do things in my day. Is it my day off? I will go somewhere and enjoy it with my family. Is it a normal working day? Then I will try to do my best at work, also sort out the house, and all the paperwork that needs to be done. Thigs I can do today, I will not leave them for tomorrow. I also like spontaneity, idea’s that come out of nowhere. I can get very excited about a plan that I just thought of and go hundred present for it or can spend the whole evening thinking it through. Shon, in contradiction, is more laid back. In his day off he would not mind watch TV whole day. I know he would love to spend some quality time with the family as well, however I do not see him being initiative on that part (or really at the moment, and perhaps in the future, simply not having the material ability to. He will think about his future plans once and will not try to change them. How quick he will achieve them does not seem to have an impact on him. He will do everything step by step. I sometimes catch him not thinking a few steps ahead; therefore he will face some obstacles which will slower the process. I then tend to think, why didn’t you figure this out earlier? I have come to that stage that I try not to care about his things. I say to myself, he knows what he is doing and he is doing it his way, he is going to be fine. However, this difference in thinking I believe shows we are different. There is nothing wrong with being different, you would say. No, there are always differences between two people. Yes, however, I would like to be with someone who is more like me and perhaps even a few steps ahead of me.

Shon is not your kind of man and that keeps you anxious (your writing suggest that you have lot of anxieties). Differences in your natures can be worked out through counseling, provided both of you are ready for that. Otherwise, you may have to go ahead searching your kind of man or get treated for anxiety.

Dr I don’t know from were to start, I feel really lonely even when I have a husband as he has never given much attention to my feelings I used to tell him but he never changed, we don’t have kids, I don’t have friends, now he has taken job abroad for our better future I cant go over there its not allowed. Because of my husbands behavior I am attracted to someone but he is younger to me, first he used to take care a lot , we hardly had any desire for sex (six months or so) I am so attached to him , but after four years I found him changing I don’t know why but he stared ignoring me. we had lots of fight he started using harsh words to me ,keeping my questions unanswered after that he used to come and patched up things he is not ready to leave me I am also so attached I used to say ok. After 1 1/2 year I found he had girlfriend & he wanted to marry her but I don’t understand why he tortured me for this 1 1/2 year because of these fights and home conditions I feel so depressed cant sleep , eat , cant mix up with people , thinking about same person continuously. Is it possible to get rid of this , I don’t know fm last 1 1/2 years things are getting worse, I am expecting things to be happen , and they are not happening always. I am just fade up with things is there any medicine for depression please suggest me. I want to get rid of this , my feelings are so mixed up I don’t know what to do, why I am so attach to him so and he doesn’t feel anything. I cry daily, I feel like dying we work in same office, I really don’t want to go there but if I will be seating at home things will get worse. I can’t handle his ignorance we meet but it’s like some work for him but while having sex he was totally into it, I feel he is selfish I want to get rid of him but not able to. Thinking about him every time like why he doesn’t take care of me why we are not happy together why we are not talking, why he is so selfish there are many things of him which bothers me but what should I do I love him so much I am not able to leave him but his ignorance is unbearable for me. I once handled my husband now his I don’t know what to do I am so depressed I cried loudly so many time in a day for last 2 years now my face is also shows everything i am not able to hide anything , I have not smiled for so many days. (Now in addition to that I feel jealous & very angry also for him I am so scared what to do) please help.

Both of you are in this relationship for different reasons you might have developed this relation for emotional needs where as he might have been just attracted and not in love with you. Also on the onset of your relation you should have considered that he is unmarried and at some time in future he was to withdraw from this relation. The lack of emotional support (ignorance) may be very difficult for you to handle for you. Your complaints indicate depressive symptoms hence you must consult a psychiatrist nearby.

Dear Sir, I married a guy 4 years back and he is software engineer. He took 25 lakhs as dowry and 200 gms of gold as a dowry. He got work visa for USA. He said he would take me to US once he settled down there. He didn’t come back again. He settled down there with some other female. Even after these many days I am still waiting for him, when we asked his parents about the same, they demanded some more money as a dowry. My father couldn’t afford that. He started abusing me, started abusing about my character to avoid me. My entire family is in deep distress. Recently we have filed a dowry harassment case, and then he started calling me from USA. Threatening me started posting lot of stuff in different online forums and abusing about my character. I am in deep confusion. what shuld I do? I feel like committing suicide. What to do now? Please advise. Crying like anything. My parents are suffering like anything. I am the only daughter to my parents. Please save my life.

These are pressurizing tactics. You should not succumb to it. Before taking back the dowry case you should ask your dowry amount back.

I am a graduate person. I am thinking about pursuing higher education in MBA But the problem is that I am more often confused about my ownself asking questions to myself am I the right guy to effectively guage myself to the level I see. I have been like a bookworm in my life. I neither have skills about certain basic things in general like riding a bike or communicate effectively. In recent days I have had certain thoughts of useless guy and some thoughts of suicide. please help me out

You should not take suicidal thoughts lightly. You should seek immediate professional help. Moreover, you can take aptitude test to find out your potential in particular field.

I am a 20 year old student, currently pursuing my 4th semester, 2nd year of graduation. I fell in love with a girl as I came in college, when I first saw her during the beginning of our 1st semester. I told a friend about her as I was a bit shy to start talking with her. He suggested me that there was nothing wrong and I started talking with her on facebook. I didn’t know anything about how to talk to girls. And on the first day of my chat with her I asked for her number. She obviously refused as she didn’t know me well. I used to chat with her daily and we came to know about each other quite well, and later we exchanged our numbers. She actually studied with me when I was in school, 1.5-2 years back. She was my batchmate (but not in my class). Surprisingly she told me that she had a crush on me at that time but not anymore. She told me about this guy in her class who proposed her at the very first when they met. He was a detained student and a senior. She refused his proposal. She used to tell me about him that he was a drunkard, smoker and had some other addictions also. But later, on the other hand she recognised that he was a protective person. She had a best friend from the previous school and he used to suggest or force her not to talk and be with this junkie. She didn’t agree with him and she and her friend had a rough chat with each other one day. When the junkie came to know that he abused him, he beat the guy right outside our college. I didn’t know that he abused this person as this girl didn’t tell me. Till then this girl, had an impression like “most of the boys have ditched her”. We used to meet casually at college as we had a full day college. I just met her along with her sister once on the friendship day for about an hour. Nothing unusual happened. I can realize now how dumb I was then.One day when we were sitting together in a bus, I proposed her. Hearing this she felt shy for about 2 minutes and hid her face with her hands. She was surprised, she told me that from our chatting she knew that I will propose her one day but didnt know that it would be like this. She refused me and told me that it was okay being just friends. When I told her that I loved her, I still remember the feeling that I literally felt in my heart. I was so afraid to convey this to her. And after I told her, she told me that she wished to hug me and I just held her hand for about 15-20 minutes as she didn’t want a relationship with me. I still remember this day. Coming to her best friend, she cried a lot for him even in the bus. She was going through bad days about her image in college. Some of her friends from the class along with the one who was detained and me, stood by her in the situation. When the situation became a bit cool I stopped talking with her for the first time saying that I needed a break. She asked me not to leave her like her other old best friends left her. I kept that in mind. But i was not able to stay mum for more than 3 to 4 days and started talking with her. But after these days I was not able to talk with her the way I used to talk before. Maybe because an old friend of mine (not from the college) judged this girl and told me she was not good for me. I was no good at that time judging people about how they were. After this break she was happy that I started talking with her and told me that she thought that I would probably never talk to her again. We then kept in touch for about 10-15 days and this thing which my friend judged about her kept striking every now and then in my mind. A big decision I had made again that I would not talk to her ever again. I told her the same that I was getting busy those days and need a break again. But for this time I kept a firm mind and didn’t even look at her till the current day. The second reason was she was too much impressed with the protective nature of the guy who proposed her before me. Before I stopped talking with her,she accepted his proposal and was now commited with him. So I felt it was nothing wrong staying away from her. She had someone whom she loved. I thought that they loved each other so much and so will never be aparted by anyone. Their group used to stay together all the time. They seemed like made for each other for lifetime. And I too was happy for her. She had such good and understanding friends unlike me who stood by her all the time. Coming to the present day, one of my classmates (and a best friend) who was also a friend of the one who ‘she’ loved, told me that he broke up with her. I asked him why and how did this happen, my friend told me that he was not sure but the boy is not talking with the group since a few days but talking and probably hanging out with some another girl.
I felt so sorry for this thing which I have done, I think if I would have been with her all the time ,this situation might be different. Not to be with her but for her good,not to hand her to these kind of guys. Their relationship lasted for about almost 2 years and they both aparted.
I want to ask should I apologize to her for not being by her side during her difficult days, for not being a best friend who I was, for not understanding her feelings for me as a friend and being a dumb fellow for that time……??

I don’t think your decision about this relationship is wrong. What I understand is, she was considering you as an emotional support, and probably never wanted you as her love. She made a choice of a protective guy over a guy who loves her. Now that the things have not worked out between them, for the reason best known to them, I don’t think that you should jump to play any role. She might come back to you or develop a feeling for you out of her multiple rejections, but in that case your future relationship will not be in a good test.

Dear Dr, I am 30 yrs guy got married 2 months back. My wife had a past relationship. I knew it from very 1st day. Our marriage is also love marriage. Now she is back her own house b’coz she thinks she does not love me. From last one year she is taking depression pills. So I never forced her for anything. But I love her very much. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

You had love marriage and now she tells that she does not love you, bit confusing. She might be feeling guilty about first relationship (guilt is very common in depressed person) and more so when you love her very much. Give her some time and support her to come out of depression.

Respected Sir, I am 26 yrs old from Kolkata. I am working and preparing for an entrance exam. I am having many tensions and anxieties in life. I did my graduation and post graduation under Bangalore University. When I was in Bangalore for 5 years, I got spoiled a bit. When I was in final graduation I had a force relationship with a Punjabi guy. I didn’t like him because of his intentions but later I don’t know how I became the victim of his bad intention. We had a physical relation in his home. Thankfully later I didn’t have any problem because I didn’t allow him to go in extent. My spoiled activity is that when I was doing post Graduation I met with a Bengali Muslim guy in Train and He started liking me and he still loves a lot, I think. When I was in 4th sem 1 day I went to his home to clear my doubts regarding studies and combine studies too as he is also from my batch but from different college. At last he kissed me in love and we had minor physical touch. But this time he didn’t force anything, it just happened. After completion my Post Graduation I came back to my home because of two mishaps happened in my home and because of that my parents became mentally upset and physically unfit, especially my mother. Now my parents are arranging a marriage for me and I also agree with them because I felt and realized strongly that I should go according to them. That time I forgot that my parents have sacrificed for me to send me to study and I am doing these dirty things. Still my parents sacrifice and think about me always. Every day I am repenting strongly and crying because my worst spoiled activities which I did. I didn’t say anything and still I am not able to say anything because I am feeling too shaky and weak. I am having some health problems. My period is not regular because of these tensions. I am becoming socially weak. My dirty past tortures me every day. I feel that my mother understood something like that as she is very sensitive. Please suggest what I should do now and near future after I get married. Thinking about my parents and looking at them, I am not able to say anything about my activities before marriage proposals. Please help me out. Please suggest.

In life, so many times we forgive others but we never forgive ourselves. Strange but true! Forgive yourself for two accidental incidences and free yourself from guilt. There is no need to discuss or dig your past with anyone, just forgive and forget. Look forward and go ahead to marry.

I am a girl of age 19 and having a boy friend whom I love a lot. I want to please him but don’t want to give him my vagina before marriage. I did oral and with hand with him to please him. But I have 1 big problem he wants me to suck all his semen and even to drink it. I am surprised and feel like vomit in doing it. I also think that it may cause pregnancy. I request you to kindly answer me is it necessary for a girl to drink his men’s semen in sex? What should I do, I don’t want to lose him.

You cannot get pregnant by drinking semen. It is a matter of personal preference whether to gulp it or not. If you don’t like doing this honestly talk to him that whatever you are doing is to please him, but at the same time you don’t like what he says. I don’t think that by conveying your dislike you will lose him if he also loves you.

We got married before 6 months. My wife wanted to go for a job but I did not allow her, from that day she is not talking to me properly. We fought one day and she left home. After one week I brought her home from that day approximately one she doesn’t like when I touch her and she doesn’t talk to me properly. I told her that you can go for job but now she refuses. She made a boundary around her. She wrote in her dairy that she hates me. She told me she doesn’t have any feelings for me. I don’t know what to do. Should I continue with this relation or not? I’m in a big stress.

She is showing her oppose to your decision in indirect way. Apologize to her honestly and ask her to forgive for hurting her. Discuss with her not to prolong this. After this honest efforts do not give importance to this. Even after this if she continues to show her attitude then don’t go out of the way to please her. Otherwise she will seek more attention, throw tantrums and that too in every small matters.

Without wasting your time I will come directly to the point. I have a strange phobia of doing jobs. I have left four jobs in the last 1 year and now I am afraid to even go to interview. I know the reason of this problem which is starting from my childhood but still I am not able to cope with this drastic situation and can’t live my life like this any more. I want to do a job but I can’t .So please help me out with this situation before it’s too late.

If you are aware about the reasons then you need to discuss that with Psychiatrist. You may try online counseling if you wish.