Hello Doctor, I got married 11 years ago to my cousin. We never had good relationship with their family before my marriage. But on my mother’s force being elder in my family and 2 sisters following me I was forced to get married. And I feel at that age I was immature to get married. My husband had a premarital affair and that continued for some time. Thinking of families pride and my sisterâ€™s future, I bared lot of torture for myself. I’ve got 2 daughters and we were transferred to some other place. For 2 years we were fine. After that he started playing some gambling near his office, and used to come home late after boozing. Once he is drunk, he behaves very abnormally cursing my parents and provoking me also into his discussions. Slowly he sold a house given to me by my parents, my gold everything and we were into debts totally. And my parents stood by me thinking it was their fault to get me married. His parents also supported only him saying that it was my fault that I couldnâ€™t control my husband in doing all these things. My husband never used to tell me about what he is doing outside the house. We kept him in a rehab center also for 2 months, but it was of no use. I started looking for a job thinking my childrenâ€™s future. Then I got a govt. job in my native place after 10 years. My husband allowed me to join the job thinking that I would live with his parents, since they were staying in my home town itself. But my in laws didnâ€™t allow me to stay with them and I some how managed to convince me to stay with my parents and do my job. I’ve put my children in school and they stay with me. Itâ€™s been 1 year now I’am doing my job and my job is in shifts. Every night my husband drinks and though he is far he speaks very badly on phones about me and my family. He calls up to the office and enquires about me. when ever I go to him he is normal. Day by day itâ€™s been growing more and I feel I am also confused and mentally sick. Itâ€™s been more than 2 years he left us financially. He never tells about his income though he started going to office. He says to leave my job now and come to him. I am not able to decide anything. Please suggest.
You are staying with your parents and managing your own livelihood. There is no emotional bond between two of you. He is alcoholic and gambler. He has never treated you rightly. You married him in compulsion. What other valid reason you are looking for separation?! Never ever leave your job because financial independence is your greatest strength in this situation.
Sir, recently Iâ€™m undergoing lot of mental stress. Iâ€™m in love with a person whom I think is the right person with whom I can spend rest of my life. But my parents are against this. They are not ready to speak either with him or his parents. I love him and my parents also. I cannot live without either my parents or him. I tried to end my life but no courage for that also. Please help me Sir.
Only option you are left with is to convince your parents, any how. Discuss with them at length without becoming argumentative and loosing your cool. You may take help of some one who have good influence on them. Set a time limit up to which you can wait, there after you have to decide between them, if it does not workout your way.
Dear Dr. I got married 2 months ago & we knew each other from 12 months. I am suffering from having two opposite emotions for my husband. He is a nice guy, loving, understanding & supportive. But we had a bad past which affected me emotionally. Sometime I get upset and began to hate him remembering of past. I feel irritated by his presence and want to run away somewhere. I keep trying forgetting past and keep controlling my negative thoughts. And everything goes well when my mood is good, I began to love him, care for him, enjoy and willing to have sex. By the time my husband does not have mood of sex. He is very interested in sex still he gets tensed; his penis does not get erect at the time of intercourse & is unable to penetrate into. We haven’t have intercourse till now. We tried several times but received failure except once. This is affecting both of us mentally. It also makes me more upset. I feel, am not getting any pleasure neither physically nor emotionally. Also I began feeling alone. What should I do for him?
You need to improve your bond and steady your emotions. Forgetting is an automatic process and by accepting the past it can be hasten. His erectile dysfunction can be secondary to your moody attitude towards him. Discuss with him and if require take help of psychiatrist.
Hi doctor, I have an unusual problem and donâ€™t know whom to approach. I also request to answer to my query to my mail id. My problem is that when I speak to people I usually stare into their eyes, which I donâ€™t do purposefully. This problem started when I was in my 12 Std. I am not sure whether this is because I day dream a lot and donâ€™t blink often. But now I am very depressed coz I usually avoid speaking to people and even if I do I donâ€™t look at their face and speak. I feel very odd about myself. People think wrong about me and I somehow want to get rid of this problem. I am also very overcautious about myself that I donâ€™t feel comfortable at all in public. I am also very much depressed coz I look much older than my age and my relatives keep saying that I am dark and from where do we search a guy for her. Thinking about all these I cry when very depressed. Please help me in getting rid of this problem.
There is difference between looking and starring. Looking into some one’s eyes, while talking to him/her, is desirable. Difference lies in blinking. If you can manage to talk to someone without looking to their face then why can’t you manage to blink in-between? It is a matter of practice. You have negative self-image because of your complexion and other people’s comment. You have to build up positive image for yourself by accepting the facts which you cannot change. Once you have positive self-image your social phobia and depressed feelings will start getting better.
Hi, I was married for 2 months, which was 3 yrs back. I later put my profile on the matrimony site and found the guy who was also a divorcee. We both liked each other and thought of meeting. We were quite compatible and were very much like friends. We started meeting regularly and came very close. I use to keep talking to him about marriage but he kept saying that marriage was useless and now a day there is no commitment. He was in 2yrs of marriage, which broke due to long distance. It took him lot of time to recover from the first marriage. After I went around for 2 and half months, he had one of his friends coming to his place who also has going through some marital problems. His wife has left him so he has come to my boyfriends house to stay as my guy as his own flat so he keeps telling him about his wife threatening him. Since then things have been very different between us. There was a two weeks of distance between us. After which I expressed myself stating that he has changed but he said that he has not. After which I also told him that he never speaks to me of marriage for which he one day opened up stating that he is very confused and doesnâ€™t know whether he wants to go ahead with marriage or wants a live in relationship. I was shocked and felt cheated. I was wandering as to why he put up his profile on the site. He is a very spiritual guy who was in lot of depression when his 1st marriage broke and has come long way and has changed himself for good. The current situation is that he has told me that he needs time to think and hence he is taking his time. It feels the distance is growing becoz we rarely meet and he doesnâ€™t discuss about our relation. I am really not sure whatâ€™s in his mind and do not know how to deal with this. He is not ready to talk about it and he is not what he was when I had met him. Whenever I cry or get worried about us, he tells me not to be so attached and tells me that let things happen naturally and do not worry. Relationships are not so delicate that they will break. I am so confused…plz help!!
Give him the time he wants. Do not sit on his head to have his decision. At the same time convey him clearly that you are not interested in live in relationship. Let him feel your absence by keeping your self at some distance and restricting your communications. Do not worry that he will run away. If he has to, then let him. Sensible guys always turns back.
I got mariied one year back and my sexual life is not good….my orgasm happens very fast so i ma not able to satisfy my wife.is it because of masterbation i had from chilhood?please tell if i need to see some doctor or any medicine…thanks in advance
Your problem is called Premature Ejaculation. It is the most common sexual problem men have. It is 100 percent curable. You need to take medicine called SSRI or TCA. Some exercises (Kegel’s) and foreplay methods helps. Please see Psychiatrist, who will prescribe these drugs and will teach you exercises.
Hello doctor, I am 23yrs old girl. I have loved a guy for the past 9 years. My family accepted my affair and going to get me married in another 9 months. My problem is different. I am the last child in my family. I have two elder brothers who are married. We all are living together. My problem is, my brotherâ€™s wife (both) is not behaving properly with my mother. Still my brothers want my mom to do all work for them and my mother is also doing it. If I ask anything to do for me she is not doing. Often my mother complaint about my brotherâ€™s wife to me and it makes me irritate and I advice my mom to do some actions but she refuse to do. By seeing all these things in my home I get irritated and often shout at everyone in my home and lost my control. If I get anger my mother shouts me alone and my father gets upset of my behaviour. They are not accepting my problem and shouting at me. What to do sir? I want to be very calm and I should not interfere in any issues like these in future. How to do it? pls guide me sir. Waiting for your help sir.
Cause of your irritation is frustration resulting from your helplessness over the situation. Probably, your parents have accepted their situation and that is why they are getting upset with you. Try to accept their nature and do not struggle to change them by opposing aggressively. Only difference, if at all can be made in their behaviour, can be made by their husband or by themselves!
Hi, Iâ€™m very much worried about my daughter’s future. Iâ€™m 30yrs old working in MNC, having a kid, she is 3 yrs old. My husband passed away 2 years back when my daughter was 7 months old. We lived a peaceful happy life. We got married after a great struggle bcoz of caste difference. However, we lead life as husband and wife for only 1.5 yrs but we are lovers for 6 yrs before marriage. Till now I love him a lot. I believe he is with me even though he is not physically present in this world. Five months before, I decided to get married by thinking of various family situations and thinking of my daughterâ€™s future. Also bcoz of the Guy who proposed me who know my entire past story and I believe I can adjust myself and still I know he is very genuine. As he has grown up very lonely, he is not having mentality to adjust for even simple things. He is very short temper and very sensitive and he gets angry for very silly things. He never accepts his mistakes. I managed to adjust all this by thinking my daughters future in mind and my daughter is not matured enough to adjust him. So there the problem is starting. Still his need is privacy and he never tried to understand what I really like, dislike. Only thing He wants me to understand him and we (me and my daughter) should behave accordingly. If I missed to do that in any situation, he will scold me. Even if the mistake is on his part, then I use to beg him to pardon me in order to resolve the issue and to make the life to normal flow. I believe these are beginning, when my daughter grow up, she will get affected when she comes to know that he is not her real father. He will decide things easily and Iâ€™m afraid that when she grow up and if she tell anything against him then everything will be collapsed. However, Iâ€™m living in this world to take care of my daughter. Now I start thinking that I should not have get married bcaz if Iâ€™m alone I can manage but now I donâ€™t know how to explain things to my daughter. At the same time, I canâ€™t explain to my husband who never likes to listen explanations. once in a while he will show his affection but approximately Every day we are facing different incidents and Iâ€™m learning new lessons which I should not do in future. I feel very tough to adjust for my whole life. For the past years in my life, I was independent and I was in very comfort zone. Now upside down, still I like to have healthy relationship with him but I do not know the way to make it up. Need your suggestion.
I think, you made a mistake by not discussing the main purpose of your marriage, before hand. Your main priority was your daughter’s future and you should have clarified this to him before marriage. Now that you are married to him, you need to bring this issue very tactfully so that he will not feel offended. Try to share your worries regarding your daughter and her relationship with him, particularly when he is in a good mood. Plan outings, small vacations and try to spend some quality time together (all three of you). This will increase your bonding with each other.
Hi, I got married 4 yrs back which was a love marriage and we have a daughter. After 1.5 yrs my husband passed away and after that after 2yrs I got married again with a guy who worked with me, as a friend we use to have long chats and at one stage he proposed me. We believe that we have some basic understanding and we believe we can adjust things to live a peaceful life. Now he wants me to be very strict to my daughter who is 2.5 yrs old. Basically he is very adamant and never likes to listen to my explanation. Iâ€™m confused that I canâ€™t make him to understand that she is very young to be stricter and Iâ€™m not able to make my daughter to understand the situation. How to handle this? And also guide me, what is the correct age to tell my daughter about my past life.
Males and females are different as friends and typical as husband & wife, this is universal phenomena. I’m surprised that he wants you to be strict with your daughter; most commonly husband keeps on advising wife to go softer with kids. It is a mother who is practically stricter with child, father’s strictness theoretical. Exceptions are always there as statistical rule. I’m not sure on what issues he wants you to be strict so difficult to suggest specific points. You can tell her about your past life when she grows beyond 10. Exact age depends upon her maturity level, emotional growth, her personality, her surroundings etc.
Honourable doctor, Greetings! Sir, I am a 21 year old boy. I am always used to be a sensitive guy. When I was in my 7th semester (now I am passed out). I was talking to a girl of first year just because I wanted to have sex with her. I talked to her in general, but by the time, talking on phone and in messages I found that she is deeply attached with me. She always behaves and talks like I am her everything. I thought its ok, but one day I saw her talking to other guy, and I felt insecure. so I told my girlfriend that she should not talk to him anymore, and she promised to do so. But one day I went to outstation for one day the other day one of my college mate told me that he saw my girlfriend on bike of the same guy, I told her not to even talk. I was really shocked and very angry. When I asked her, first she denied but when I told her that one of my friend has seen you, then she started crying and begging me not to leave her. She behaved like she is going to commit suicide if I’ll leave her. So I forgot it and continued with her, however she always used to be good, even very good for me, but sometimes she behaves very awkward. once my friend told me that my girlfriend once visited place of the same guy from whom I told her not to talk. when I asked her, she said that she never went to his home. but one day I asked her very forcefully then she confessed that once she went to his room but before the day I told her not to talk to him, and she did not even touched him ever. I always used to ask that if something like sex had happened between them but she always says no. Respected sir, after she told me this fact, I became very angry and left her, but after I did it, I came to know that I became obsessed with her. I canâ€™t get her out of my mind, but few months before I wanted to get rid of her. so after four days I switched on again my mobile phone, (as it is the only medium of contact between me and her, and I switched it off so as to show my anger and that I left her) I read her intense and deeply emotional messages on my screen, she wanted me to visit her home once, I went she wept and behaved like she will die without me. but sir I always found her answers very unclear and suspicious, she always behave in a very suspicious way. She never answers my questions clearly, many times I decided to leave her but I was unable to do because now I am completely obsessed with her. Now I always use to think about her and always imagine that what she might be doing this time and imagine that how she is cheating me. I find myself unable to make a decision and these days I am going through great depression. I canâ€™t sleep at night not even in day, I was never like that, but she has totally changed me. Sir please help me to get out this situation. How could I find that if she is true or false? How could I find peace? Sir please tell me.
You started with a desire to have a sex with her and now you are obsessed with her! You have not mentioned what made you to change your desire to obsession? Is it your weakness, her caring and love for you or the presence of her friend? I do not see transparency in your relation. You started with sexual desire, she behaved in secretive way (with lies and non-confessing attitude) and now you are ended being suspicious and depressed. Is this what we are looking in to the relationship? I think you are painfully attached to her. Your suspicions and her secrecy are not healthy for your relationship. Go ahead if both of you can really overcome that! It is very difficult to overcome these feelings, most of the time.