Hi Dr., Here’s my problem. I have a very bad habit. I like to wear Panties and I am crazy about it. One day I was alone at home, considering this as an opportunity, I took my younger sisters panty and was masturbating in it. Suddenly my sister arrived and she saw me in this condition. I was caught red handed. Later I apologized to her and she said that’s ok. She also said that she can understand my sexual desire. But I am very much ashamed of this. I think of suicide. My other problem is When I masturbate I always think of my sister, I feel like having sex with my own sister. Once I see her lovely affectionate face I feel very guilty about dirty thoughts. Please help… I love my sister a lot. Please make me a normal man

You are having a problem of Fetishism. Fetishism is the sexual attraction to material and terrestrial objects (like panty in your case) while in reality the essence of the object is inanimate and sexless. You do have underlying Depression with obsessive thoughts. Please consult Psychiatrist nearby.  Do not consider this just a habit, it’s Psychological Disorder which can be treated.
 

Dear Sir, I had 2 affairs in past. During first affair, let’s say her name as T. This relation continued (last) for 1 year. We met each other 6-7 times. We were from same cast. We used to talk over phone for long. Generally we used to talk about our marriage and future life etc… I used to enjoy talking with her. We didn’t have any physical relation. Even we didn’t touch each other. Ours was a purely emotional relation. Our economic status was not equal. She was richer than me at that time. Also, I was just passed out my college and was not well settled at that time. She always used to realize me my economic condition. However I was very crazy for her and wanted to marry her. She was very practical and I was emotional. Though, we had feelings for each other. She always telling that “you are a very nice and kind person and the girl who marry you, will be very lucky”. Though she liked me too much, was not 100% ready to marry me. She was telling that let’s carry on our relation as it is and don’t expect marriage. Once, due to some misunderstanding I got angry with her and she got hurt badly. Though after that I apologized but she was disappointed with me and not ready to talk to me. The level of misunderstanding increased and we got separated. After sometime (1-2 year) I had affair with other girl. Say her as “N”. This girl was totally different than “T”. “N” loved me too much. Initially I was not that much serious in relation but seeing her love for me gradually I become serious. Again, we were from same cast. Our economic condition was equal. In this relation, “N” was emotional and I was practical. Here also we used to talk over phone for long and I used to enjoy talking with her. After almost 3 years, we decided to get engaged. But again due to some misunderstanding we got separated. I was very sad for sometime after breaking of each relation. Now I have got engaged with other girl say “D”. The problem comes here. I talk with my fiancée over phone for long but I don’t enjoy talking with her. I feel that I don’t love her from bottom of my heart. I feel that I just perform my duty as fiancé towards her. Though “D” loves me too much and much crazy for me. I know that “D” is much better than “T” and “N”. However, I don’t enjoy her Company as of “T” and “N” .I have not told her about my previous 2 affairs. I try my best to make her happy. I don’t do any injustice to her. I am totally devoted to her. But, often when I am alone, I still remember “T” and the time spent with her. 7 years passed to the breakup with “T” but still I remember her I want to enjoy company of my fiancée and want to forget the ex girlfriends and affairs with them. What should I do to get rid of this problem? Also, for so many times (almost 1-2 years) I don’t feel happiness from bottom of my heart. I am well educated, earning well (more than enough) and healthy. Other people can say that I am very happy. But I feel that something is missing in life and I am running to achieve it. I don’t know what is it for which I am running? How can I be happy?

Forgetting is an automatic process, only when you become aware that you are thinking about ‘T’; distract your mind. Initially you have to do it and after some time it will be automatic. Stop comparing your fiancée with your earlier girl friends.
Happiness is subjective experience and it is by product of your satisfaction with your present life. So stop churning your past and worrying about future, try to enjoy your present and whatever you have, happiness is bound to follow.

I have many questions to ask. But first I would like to ask about my emotional problem. I have completed my engineering in the year 2000.i worked for an institute but I had to leave the job because of my boyfriend’s behavior. He is less educated than me and a bit orthodox type. He loves me to the core but is overtly protective. I have not had a sound childhood due to fights between my parents and their lack of interest in me. Right now I am unemployed since 4 years and going into terrible depression day by day, my parents are old now and my boyfriend and I are just with each other for compromise sake. I am totally messed up with my life and feel like ending it. Please try to give me a solution for this.

You did not described which behavior of your boy friend compel you to leave job, why you are jobless since 4 years (you are not getting job or your boy friend is not allowing you to do the job) and why your relationship is on compromise mode.
Right now, what I can suggest you is to find out the job and start working.

Dear Dr. My husband left me long ago for another woman at that time my children were just 4 and I took the decision to take the life as it comes and started earning and look after my kids. Life was not so easy and I was proposed by my boss who too was married and had a good relationship with him and this relationship went long and over yrs he stood by me at difficult times but over a period of time I suddenly started feeling that he was involved with other girls too . He was very ambitious and mad after money which is not at all a bad thing but was using his co-colleagues talent and keeping relation with them as well as me too, which by asking at times he use to say that its merely professional and to extract work from them he has to act like this which was not at all a convincing comment for me and he kept doing this by having relationship with other women’s in the office and then got so much involved with one colleague that indirectly he started ignoring me and finding me incompetent which is not at all true. He did all possible things to let me down professionally by favoring my colleague with whom he was seriously involved. By grace of God I am able to survive and perform in the company. The colleague with whom he was involved recently got married and still they are having relationship. After her marriage he has become quiet and started same attitude with other colleagues quite younger to him. He kept relationship with me. I have gone through a heart attack 5 yrs back and his this attitude is very hurting as at times he keeps relation with me too, I mean physically but I feel that he is just trying to satisfy his frustration. My problem is I am working with him and at this point of age I can’t think of taking other job and sacrificed a lot for him and bring up this organization. His indifferent behavior is hurting me and due to this I sometime go to depression and keep weeping and worrying all the time. This is seriously affecting my health. Pls. advice so that I can come out of this situation as I feel completely used by him for his personal gains all these years. I have regards for him and as well as love which was definitely there till he become mad for money. Now I want to come over this situation and live normal life but his indifferent and revengeful attitude hurts me. Pls. advice I want to live as after long struggle of bringing my children in this world now the happiness has come to my life and I want to live happy and peacefully. At times he provokes me at work place and tries to pull me down and sometimes behaves very normal. I am fed up and confused of his this behavior. Can somebody so close be so mean for money and don’t care what other must be feeling and going through? Pls. advice what shall I do to be at peace. I have been performer all these yrs than why such an attitude with me. At this point of time I am not in position to leave the job Pls. advice. there is so much to share which I cant write and explain you I have gone thru but yes I hope you must have understood my point and will definitely advice me to come out of this situation.

You fall for him during your weaker time and got the support which you might have required from him. Accept that people and their priority do get changed over the time. His focus has changed. I know it is difficult to digest such naked realities but you do not have other options. Moreover, when you do not have an option to leave him, you have to stay there maintaining your dignity. For that, gracefully bring yourself out of the race with younger colleagues. Stop nagging him on the issue. Try to concentrate on your work and do it with sincerity. This may not be very easy for you but it is very essential for your mental peace. If life has given you good days after a long time then enjoy them by changing your attitude towards such disturbing things.

I am a 34 year old female. I am into a relation with a guy for a considerable period of time. This boy is nice, decent, sweet natured and very helpful. We never had been out (on a date or so), or never been physical to each other. My parents are too old and we are 2 sisters (no brother) in our family. We don’t have close relatives in Mumbai. This guy established close contacts with my family members. He was of great help when my dad was admitted to hospital in an emergency. He also helped us when we shifted our residence to a new locality. He literally runs and goes to any limit to help me and my family. He proposed me for marriage few months back. Parents at both the sides were reluctant for the marriage since our castes are different. Especially, his parents are too orthodox and his brother is ‘extremely dominant’. The problem starts here- This Guy is severely under strong influence of his elder dominant brother. He lacks decisive power and thinks that his brother is correct in every way. However, I made it clear for him, that I would prefer a separate residence after marriage. He agreed to this but it seems that his brother wants this guy to take responsibility of parents and stay with them after marriage. His family visited my place last Sunday for negotiating about our marriage. His elder brother & father started talking loudly in a very rough manner and placed certain conditions for marriage, which included staying jointly with his family initially for few days after marriage. His father also talked angrily with me demanding me to bend (feet touching) in front of each of their family members (total 8 members). I was turned off with their odd behaviour. Their demands seem to have put shackles on my feet & I have a feeling that my freedom will be lost forever. I expected that this guy (since so friendly with me) should have given me some idea about his family and their demands beforehand. When I asked him beforehand about it, he just ignored my queries. Interestingly, he systematically placed me and his family at a distance during all these years, when he visited my place frequently. Now, I fear, that their demands regarding expenses on marriage plus staying jointly with his family (which I don’t want to) will be forced on me. Should I back-out? Will our marriage sustain even after interference and dominance from his family? It is quite sure that he will never come out of that emotional influence of his brother. Pls. Guide me.

It is good that you are very clear about what you want. Although he seems to be great support to you, he will not detach himself from his family. Looking to the differences between you and your in-laws, it will be better if you back out.

Hi doctor, I have an unusual problem and don’t know whom to approach. I also request to answer to my query to my mail id. My problem is that when I speak to people I usually stare into their eyes, which I don’t do purposefully. This problem started when I was in my 12 Std. I am not sure whether this is because I day dream a lot and don’t blink often. But now I am very depressed coz I usually avoid speaking to people and even if I do I don’t look at their face and speak. I feel very odd about myself. People think wrong about me and I somehow want to get rid of this problem. I am also very overcautious about myself that I don’t feel comfortable at all in public. I am also very much depressed coz I look much older than my age and my relatives keep saying that I am dark and from where do we search a guy for her. Thinking about all these I cry when very depressed. Please help me in getting rid of this problem.

There is difference between looking and starring. Looking into some one’s eyes, while talking to him/her, is desirable. Difference lies in blinking. If you can manage to talk to someone without looking to their face then why can’t you manage to blink in-between? It is a matter of practice. You have negative self-image because of your complexion and other people’s comment. You have to build up positive image for yourself by accepting the facts which you cannot change. Once you have positive self-image your social phobia and depressed feelings will start getting better.

I am student doing PhD. Whenever I am thinking about my carrier, about girlfriend, my family etc. I am always thinking negative. Many times I think that I have to change my attitude and think (+ve) but I failed to do so. Kindly advice.

Negative thinking has many causative factors. One has to go through lot of details related to rearing, personality, life events, family history etc to comment upon.

If he agrees to come then you should consider that he also feels that this is a problem, but if he does not agree then it is not a problem for him. In that case you need to find out if you wish to continue this relationship in the same given scenario. As the chances of him changing are very low as the friendship that you consider as problem that needs a solution, is not vital or problem for him.

Sir, at the early stage of my life (10 yrs. old) I always thought to have sex with a woman, but did not marry her I was afraid as my soul doesn’t allow me for this action. Now I am 32 & at this time, I wish to strike away from woman, social structure & social life. I always thought I will go in a hilly area, village & passes rest of my life in a peaceful & secured atmosphere. But my mind tells me to go for sex. What is the problem with me?

Desire to have sex is natural instinct. There is no problem in having it in mind. However, if you do not wish to have this then you have to consciously suppress it; to me it is not healthy.

I have a strange problem. I am young, educated, independent and single. I am in love with a married man for 1 yr. He is happily married but has had flings in the past after marriage. I know all about his past relationships but his wife doesn’t. He says he cares for his wife a lot and wants to keep her happy but he has never been in love with her. He thinks he has always felt that something was missing in his life – his search for his soul mate. He thinks he has now finally found his soul mate in me. We started on a friendly note but have now become very intimate in every sense. He is a responsible man who never cuts off anything from his wife’s share. He devotes full time and attention to her and his 7 yr old kid. Moreover, I like him for this. I don’t want anyone to get hurt by my affair with him. His wife on the other hand has no clue about the affair. She is quite a violent woman who loses her temper easily and has even hit him in the past while he is a very calm and composed person by nature. His wife’s voilent behaviour made him look for love outside his marriage. Now, the problem is that we both have realized that we don’t have any future together and it is useless to be in relationship. I don’t mind being in the relationship bcoz I love him. Even if he is married, I still love him and I don’t expect anything from him. But yes, slowly I have started expecting more time and more attention from him which he is not able to provide. Also now, he has started cutting down the time from my share and spends it with his family. We have decided to break up several times but can’t do so. But I am tired of everything now. I don’t trust him anymore. I know he really loves me but he is not committed to either his wife or me. he says YES to whatever his wife says (coz if she gets mad, she bashes up the kid badly).In this whole episode, he made me see so many fancy dreams and now I have realized that those dreams are not going to come true. Hence, I want to come out of this fantasy world. I feel betrayed coz whenever I try to move away from him, he senses it and becomes all loving. I, being emotional, move towards him. After a while, he again starts ignoring me. I am tired of this hide-seek game. I never expected things from him. i know he loves his family a lot and wud never leave them and I don’t want him to leave them either. But I, at least want him to not say loving stuff to me coz it makes me long for him more. I have now decided to tell his wife about his affair. I know she will make his life hell (she is not those cool and understanding kinds). But I have no way out. But in doing this, I get a guilt that he wud have never thought that I wud go and tell his wife. I haven’t told her yet but plan to do so soon. I am confused. Shall I tell her and find a final solution to the problem, if any or shall I just leave it like this. He will never tell her. Also, what about the guilt? I’ll feel guilty that I cheated on him by telling his wife. But this relationship, which gave so much of happiness to both of us has now become a burden on me. he says nice things to me like.. ‘I somehow feel, I’ll get a chance to become ur spouse someday’ etc, I see dreams and then they all get shattered. In addition, his life will make his life miserable on knowing about the affair but there is no any way out. Every time, we decide to part, we come back just in hours. plz suggest.

As I understand, there was nothing in his life on emotional front. He took you on ride and now ride is over! Same must be the case with his past relationship. If you are a soul mate then what happened to his soul now? It was your fault that you did not expect any thing from him and kept on flowing. He never ignored his bad tempered wife (is she really bad or he has portrayed her like this to get your sympathy!!) and his family that shows soul mate was emotional trap.
Accept that you have been emotionally cheated. Ask him to stay away, stop playing with your emotion and convey him that otherwise, you are going to disclose this relation to his wife. This will surely take care of him becoming goody goody, pretending being emotional and saying loving stuff. If he does not stop emotional game  and hide & seek continues, tell his wife. It is he, who should feel guilty for playing with your life and not you.