Dear Doctor, I am writing to you for the fourth time. Thank you very much for all the advices you gave me last time. However this time, it really hurts me to say my problem. I feel bad to say bad things about my own people. A quick background about my family. I grew up seeing the cruel fights between my dad and mom. My dad was addicted to alcohol and abused my mom and that lead to Domestic violence. At times, he even abused me and hit me. Whenever I tried to defend my mom, I got badly injured. I could not do anything about this at last. I felt guilty that I’m helpless. My childhood was strange and lifeless. Finally, my mom committed suicide. I was 13 when she passed away. I couldn’t do anything about it. My dad married another woman. That’s the other part. That’s my past. Life went as it is for all these years. Now, I am 28 years, looking forward to settle down in life. I want to get married and start a new life altogether. Problem is my dad till now never thought about my marriage. My brother forced him to search a guy for me as I am running older now. All my relatives also told him to look for a guy for me. Actual fact is my dad is not really making any effort to my marriage. My brother took up that responsibility and finally got a good alliance for me. Now when the boy’s family is looking forward for a discussion on the marriage ceremonies, initially dad put demands on the boy’s family that all expenses have to be born by their side. They disagreed and told that since the boy is last born in their family, hence as per rituals, they cannot conduct marriage ceremonies from their side, as per a tradition. Then dad said he will take care of marriage ceremonies, provided they give a share of expenses and my brother’s marriage also has to be done in the same ceremony. They agreed for it. Everyone, including boy’s family is searching a girl for my brother now. Now the problem is if my brother’s alliance is not fixed within this time, my dad is looking forward to cancel my alliance as well. I have a strong hitch for this. I told dad that I am very keen on this alliance as I find boy and his family suitable for me. I told my dad that you do not worry. I will take care of all my marriage expenses somehow. But also he is not willing to get me married. Always he takes a back step. As part of the rituals, my family is supposed to visit boy’s family for “Nishchitarth” but till now he has not done it. When I ask dad, what’s happening he just avoids me. I have been taking care of my family financially till now. I made a home loan and bought a house for my dad. Now that he is selling that house and buying a new one, costlier than the older one. I am not willing to take a home loan anymore and have already told my dad that that – if required, I will support you after marriage as well, but do not wish to get a home loan in my name as it is a commitment 20-25 years down the lane. But still he is forcing me a lot. He wants me to support the family even after marriage. I know it’s my prime duty and I will, but I feel burdened. I want to have that flexibility to quit job during my child bearing times or any difficult times. I don’t like to beg for money from my husband as well. I want to take care of my expenses. I want to be self dependent. I have told dad many times my concern, but he doesn’t understand me. So I even told dad that if you wish, I will not get married, but do not burden me with financial responsibilities of two families. Dad never speaks clearly with me. I don’t understand his intentions. Again he is forcing me to take a home loan with a joint account of mine and his. I feel there will be legal complications after marriage. I am confused. What should I do? Should I discuss this with my would be husband? But why will he trust me. He might think, if this girl can say badly about her own family, she will say anything about me as well. I did not find anyone trustworthy guy till now, to get a love marriage done, so that at least my husband is on my side. My two x boy friends cheated me for money. I tried my best to get some one loved, but failed. I don’t want to slip and marry a non-genuine person just because of my bad situation. I cannot say this problem with anyone as it hurts me to say bad about my own dad. Whatever he is, he is my dad. Apart from financial aspects, I also feel that with this kind of problematic attitude, my married life will be screwed just because of my dad’s behaviors in future. Sometimes, he doesn’t care for anyone and speaks rudely and abuses people. He might turn out to be problematic as he always makes life complicated. He is never firm on his stand always. If he doesn’t like someone, he dam cares about them. He just insults them and makes them get lost. My reputation will be affected with his behavior like it’s always been till now. What should be the possible solution to this? Please help. Thanks and have a good day.

What I understand is; you are the source of his financial securities and he does not want to lose that! He seems to be too selfish in his motives. You should honestly discuss your problem with your future husband. There is nothing wrong in exposing him when he is that mean to you. If your in-laws are agreeing then you should go ahead. It looks like your father may be suffering from some psychiatric illness, may be Mood disorder, Schizophrenia or Personality disorder.

Dear Sir, Myself Chiranjit and I’m from Kolkata. I love one of my classmates in Management College. We were in relationship last 5 months. In the beginning we had good bonding but slowly problem comes out between us. She is staying in a hostel and she has 2 room mates. Sometimes we have some problem but still we manage. Now I’ve a friend and we three, that means I, my girlfriend and my friend hang out together. She shares her feelings in my absence to my friend and they come closer. One day I explore that she broke up with me and now in new relationship with my friend. The boy took the chance and accepts the relationship. I still love this girl and miss her too much. When she broke she had only two reasons that I’m not financially balance and my standard is not up to the mark. But the real scenario is not like that. Kindly suggest what to do? For both of us it was our first love. Waiting for your reply.

If she is not interested in the relationship for any reason (which is evident from the fact that she has broke up and now into the relationship with your friend) you should not compel her for the same. See, relationship is something which should come naturally and not by compulsion or by pushing yourself on some one. The fact that you still love her cannot bring her back to you. Even if she comes back, you cannot trust her for similar repetition at any point of life. Best thing is end up this and move on.

I am always dwelling in past and not able to concentrate on my carrier and other aspects of life. Ever since my break off with the guy whom I loved so much I am not able to live a normal life. Everybody in my family is now getting irritated with me. Whenever I start any discussion with anyone, my point stops in discussing the past while giving the instances of past. I am really fed up of it. I do not want that my new relationship, which I am looking forward to, should get ruined because of thinking about past so much. I always miss that old guy and still believe he was the best for me which I couldn’t handle on my own. I will be getting married soon and I do not want to spoil my new relationship…please help

Breakups are always painful and more so with genuine affection. Women always ruminates more about broken relationships then men. There is no way to erase painful memories. What you can do is; look foreword in life, try to be engaged in current as well as new relationships, stop talking about old relationship, do not try to analyze your past relationship and do not maintain contact with him.

Sir you asked me to send both the two questions when you came back from USA. So I’m sending. Q Sir I and my boyfriend were in relationship for last 1 year. He was my classmate in MSC. He proposed me for marriage and although the last 1 year we have been very good together. However, now for last 3 months there was a dispute for reason that I sent him sms that I will die without you so he got angry. But then he talked to me last month so I thought that everything will be fine now. But then I don’t know what happened, someone probably said to him that I was having a relationship with one of PhD student (he was very senior to us and even married) of department where we study. He not even discussed the matter with me. He didn’t allow me to clear the matter. I sent him many sms to explain but at that time he didn’t want to understand anything. He is saying that I have cheated upon him. My friends suggested not to talk to him right now as he will not understand. I don’t know what to do. I can’t live without him. He is the boy I have shared some personal relation for the very first time in my life. I want him in my life. We decided a lot about our married life but now he said that he will not marry me and that I have lost value in his life. This all is very depressing for me. Please tell me what I should do. A. Though misunderstandings are part of the relationship, it is unfortunate. Convey him that you are ready to accept his decision but at the same time you want to explain the things for your satisfaction. This way probably he will be ready to listen to you. Explain your part honestly and wait for his decision rather than throwing yourself on him. That was your answer. Then my 2nd question and request to u was as below. Please help me Dear Dr., I m writing mail to u after many days because I was waiting to see whether my boyfriend reply’s to me or not. I saw that he has sent scraps (on orkut) to other friends that mean he checked his mail but he didn’t reply my mail. I wrote him a mail telling all the truth as you suggested but he didn’t reply me. I sent mail to him after a long time. Now I am feeling very upset and don’t know what to do with the situation. I don’t understand why he is not ready to reply me. Sir, I want to know what is going in his mind. I want to know whether he thinks about me or if he has completely forgotten me? (Because I just keep on thinking of him) Sometimes it comes to mind whether he has some other girl in his life now. That’s why he left me? I know that he is not that kind of person to leave me and go to other girl. But since he did all this to me sometimes such thoughts come to my mind. I can’t tolerate to see any other girl with him. This thought makes me go unstable in mind. Sir please help me. Please convey him my condition and truth that I have no relation with that guy. Sir I am quite depressed. Please help me. I can’t live without him and moreover when I saw that he is contacting other friends but still didn’t reply my mail it made me more disturbed. Please help me sir. Please tell me will u mail him as a doctor conveying him as I asked you in previous mail? Sir please help me. Thanks

This is unfortunate but I think there has to be many factors behind this. As he is neglecting your communications out rightly, the only way left to you is to involve some common friend (rather then involving stranger like me, which in turn may create an impression that you are trying to blackmail him emotionally). If this is also not working then try to accept that you are dumped and leave analyzing the causes which will give you pain and only pain.

Hello, I am 46, male. I am divorced 10 years ago. I don’t have any children and my divorced wife married to someone else. I am a teacher in one college. Few months ago I fell in love with one of my student. She is 19yrs old. She is a beauty of heaven. I got involved in her and got involved physically. After a month we found that she has missed her periods so we did register marriage. Now she is having her 3rd month. Problem is that her parents don’t know about all these things. Also how can I convince them for this relationship? Also, people comment on our relationship. What should I do now?

It is difficult to convince her parents for this but you do not have any other option also. Both of you should go together and disclose the facts to them. You may have to face anger, humiliation etc. Be prepared.
Difference of age will start bothering you once lust is over and that will increase as years passes. Your insecurity, possession and expectation will also increase with time. She may find that you are lacking enthusiasm after a decade. Your needs and her needs will be totally different at various stages of life, this you should keep in mind.

Sir, I am 22 year old, I am pursuing bachelors in commerce. I am in love with a girl who is younger than me. Her mother is in strong support of me but she keeps denying me as if I am a villain of a bollywood movie. Few days ago I found out she is in love with a guy. Now I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

As I see she is not interested in you, also is in love with someone else then you should not try to pursue her further let her follow her own intuitions.

I have completed 1 year of marriage. It was an arranged marriage. I work in a private firm. My husband works in a big MNC. He does not care about my stress or the amount of travelling which I have to do everyday or never encourages me on my job. He thinks my earning is not sufficient enough to take care of the future. He keeps badmouthing my family members. He is very much influenced by his mother. He thinks that as because I am not able to help him financially or daily basis I am of no use to him although he earns a very big substantial amount and is in a reputed position. I cannot leave my job because my father is retired and my brother is still studying. And more importantly I feel that whatever I do or try my husband never appreciates. Nowadays he doesn’t support me emotionally also. All he thinks is about money. I feel like going into depression day by day, as I was a very cheerful and fun loving girl before. He doesn’t respect my family members. He keeps criticizing in each and every household work I do. Please suggest me what should I do now.

He seems to be a greedy guy and for him money matters the most. The way he emphasizes and comments on your financial matters, it is quite evident. Moreover, he lacks respect for you. Apart from money matters, he must be having certain other issues with you. Try to figure out these issues and discuss with him showing your intention to strengthen your relationship. You should try to convince him that you are ready to leave your job but at the same time you want to work and support your family.

I have been in a long distance (1 hour apart) relationship for 8 years now. I am almost done school and have a great job. My boyfriend decided he wanted to start his own business a year ago and said he does not want to commit unless he has a stable income. However, I feel like he is not giving his business “his all” and sometimes I wonder if he will ever get himself together. I worry about his spending habits because he is always going out with his friends spending money on dinners and it makes me feel like he does not give a shit about saving up for our future together. Sorry about the swearing, I love the guy more than anyone and I know he feels the same, but sometimes I feel like maybe he is just giving me excuses and really he has doubts about us or something… or else why would not you commit after 8 years???!!!

I also think that he is giving you an excuse as his attitude seems different then what he intends (i.e. stable income). Moreover 8 years is quite long time for commitment. Talk to him on this issue in a very clear manner, expressing your concern and doubts.

Sir, I am a big fan of your site. I read questions and your answers regarding relationship problems regularly. I also need your help. I’m suffering from dependency problem. I had an online affair. I met that person once in real too. We both are married and having kids. We are having an affair for about two years. now, the problem is he has changed a lot since Dec. 2008. I was so disturbed with his changed behavior. First I thought he must be scared as we were also planning to move to the place where he is living but then I clearly told him that we are not moving there. Later he changed and changed and changed. And that was bothering me a lot and hurting me a lot. So I kept asking why he has changed so much. He never gave me satisfactory answer. He used to tell me about his terrible fantasies like having multiple sex partners simultaneously (group sex). I hated his fantasies but he never stopped telling me these kinds of fantasies. He also wanted to ask about my past. He forced me to tell him everything about my past. So one day I told him. Now every time we were online or on phone, he started talking about the guy I had met in past. That’s really turns me off. He was used to call me his wife. He used to send me a good morning message. He used to chat with me every day. He used to make calls to me every single day. What ever he used to do, he was always in touch with me through sms. But then he started saying I will stop this and that is because he thinks habit of anything is bad. One day he sent me sms “jaanu plz don’t talk to me for few days, I have my own problems too. yeh pyar wyar does not come to my mind. Hope u will understand if not then I can’t help it.” when I made him a call and asked him what’s wrong with him? Again he was so rude treated me like nothing. So I cried and started writing him mails. I wrote him every day that don’t answer me ever if he wants to finish then let it be but kindly let me talk out and allow me to write for few days. After few days he sent me sms saying jaan don’t get me wrong I will always love u. don’t send me sms. Again in the morning he replied in single line saying plz be in touch. He was online I tried to talk he never replied. So I made a call and asked him why he sent me sms last night? And now this replies? He said sorry, I cut down the phone. again I wrote whenever u buy a cam plz drop a line I will be happy because it was my wish to see u on your new cam. He replied immediately and said he won’t buy a new cam ever again. What’s the use now? This rude reply made me so disturbed. I tried his number wanted to ask him why he can’t chat with me. And why he always tries to be rude? He ignored my calls for one hour. Then I sent him sms saying I’m calling at your land line number as he must be at home this time. He picked up my call. I was so mad on him. He said my wife is at home in the wash room. I said so? Why did not you answer my call b4? When you were at work? And you provoked me to call here. You know I can’t make a long call still you did not answer my call? You disturbed the hell out of me. He shouted saying I will make your life hell if my wife came to know. I said if you wanted to end up then finish it completely. Either keep or just quit. I cut down the phone. He sent me sms saying luckily wife was in wash room but you are terrible. Just forget that you knew me ever, I will also forget that I knew u ever. Dear doc we were physically and emotionally very much attached to each others. Now he does not talk to me at all and it’s killing me. I tried to fix things but he is not coming back. I’m feeling very low and vulnerable. I feel like doing suicide or some thing like that. Kindly guide me what should I do? I can’t keep him out of my mind. I love him madly knowing he has no respect for me. Still I miss him madly. Doc plz help me, guide me and pray for me. I want him back at any cost. I don’t know what male psychology is. He was very much in love with me then how can he stop every thing. How can he go to that extreme??

Both of you were in relation for different needs. You got the emotional support which you wanted and probably that made you dependent on him. Now accept that he has lost the interest in the relation. You can not compel any body to stay in the relation. Accept that now it’s over. He is going to come in your thoughts and memory; you do not have to do any thing to drive that out. Acceptance and time will take care of the rest.

I m 26 yrs old finance professional. I’m in one sided love with a girl from childhood. She is 22yr now, n in love with a person aged about 35 years from last 7 years. Four years back this person married to another girl & now he is father of 3 years old baby. Before six month, I express my feelings to the girl & she accepts that. But her buddy is still blackmailing her emotionally. & saying her that he is ready to divorce his wife and want to merry her. but she is not accepting that & always crying. I am mad for her & I thought if she is happy with him then I m ready to go just to make her happy. Now she don’t want to loose me & she is still in touch with that guy. Few days back she told me,” she is not in love with me & that was only an attraction, BUT SHE IS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED WITH ME that hurts me a lot.. Now my nights are sleepless & too much troublesome. plz suggest me what should I do.. Because still I love this girl & want to make her HAPPY.. & She don’t want to loose me…….. PLZ Reply ME on priority basis. Otherwise, it may cause any serious problem for me.

 On one hand you said that she does not love you (she told me," she is not in love with me & that was only an attraction) and on other hand you said that she does not want to loose you that means she is interested in support that she gets from you but not marrying you. If that person is interested in marrying her then he should have married her in first time only. I’m sure She must have thought this. I don’t think only his blackmailing keep her in relationship, she might have her personal needs in continuing it. You should discuss your plan with her in detail and ask her to give you answer in fix frame of time. Do not stretch your feeling beyond that and take final decision, may be tough one.