Dear Dr. I have read some of your replies here and I must say you are doing a great job. Let me explain to you my problem sir. I am 22 years girl who has been brought up in a much protected environment and I have liberal parents who are always encouraging. I never believed in falling in love and there were no such distractions in my life. When I entered college I had a friend (male) who contacted me for doubts in studies and we soon became friends. My friend was good at studies, was very helpful and came from a decent family. Though I had a lot of inhibitions about talking with guys I found this guy decent and accepted his friendship. Over the days we became such close friends that we were always on phone or we exchanged smses messages or saw each other in college. I spent all my time talking to him. He was away from his parents and was alone and needed the attention and I was willing to give it. I also gave him all my time. There was practically nothing else I did. I spent very little time talking with my parents, reading novels or going out which were otherwise part of me. I felt my friend was emotionally very dependent on me and I should give him the support. Our friendship had lots of ups and downs or I would rather put it more downs than ups. Lots of fights and misunderstandings but it became fine soon. There was once when my friend stopped talking with me for more than a month. He found another friend to share his time and this made me fight with him. He was so busy with her always. I was not jealous or anything but I started feeling lonely as my routine was disturbed. After I made a comeback things became okay but fights didn’t stop. Then all of a sudden I got to know my friend was sending some perverted jokes to his new friend and I found this indecent and I fought with him. I was against all this and my trust in him was disturbed as I always believe he was not like the other guys. He confessed later that he didn’t speak to me all that because I was not interested in those talks. I was very rigid in my thoughts and right from the beginning was under the impression that all men talk filthy but I thought this friend was different but very soon he found me wrong. Over a period of time he fought with the other girl and with lots and lots of mental trauma I was willing to forgive him for talking such things with a girl and accept him as my friend again. When things were good he was really my best buddy. I learnt lots of things from him academically and it helped me grow. I started growing very dependent on him and he was the only outlet for me. I had very few other friends and I began spending all the time on phone or messaging or talking with my friend. All of a sudden one fine day my friend proposed to me. I was totally not interested and I denied. I thought it was just an infatuation and tried explaining him many times but he was sure he was having feelings for me. I always looked and respected him as a good friend and as told earlier love was not in my dictionary. I hurt him a lot but I was helpless. I was scared of guys already and with the experiences of my friends I understood that all guys were ditchers. Even though my friend was genuinely true I didn’t want to risk because I was a very stubborn child and I didn’t want to break my ideals. My friend’s ideas and tastes were different from mine and I knew things would not work out. Though I disappointed him we were friends still. After two years of our friendship we decided to go out and after long hesitation I finally agreed. The second time we got little closer and when we went out we opted for the physical touch. We never had a physical relationship or anything but we went round together watching movies. I was totally against going out with a guy and I was upset when he just tried to touch me once. I always had strict rules about these things and I kept feeling it was wrong but things were changing with time. I was also getting close to him after two three outings with him. My friend spoke to me about sex, masturbation and all after we watched a movie once but I had no clue of all this. I was 20 but I was never interested nor had the basic knowledge in all that. Then also I found all that wrong and never agreed. I asked him to stop masturbating because I felt it was wrong and he did that for me too. Slowly there were prolonged discussions and fights about this and I also was curious to know what sex was all about though I had a mindset it was wrong and a sin. Slowly we started going out more and we discussed intimate topics. He wanted me to kiss him on the phone. This also was wrong for me but when he was getting very disappointed with him I agreed because I didn’t want to hurt him. I was not interested though my friend was interested in those subjects. I was getting emotionally close to my friend and I depended on him for all things. I told him everything and he was my only outlet. There were many times he said he loved me but I wanted him only as my friend. After ten months of him proposing me and me not accepting there was one weak moment of my life when I fell in love with this guy. I thought so much about it and decided I should agree. I felt I was lucky to find a guy who did anything I asked. He has all the love for me and I started trusting him more now. During these ten months he was so loyal to me and I felt that I needed him. He did everything to make me feel happy and I felt privileged. I was complimented for every small thing and that excited me all the more. The feeling of love just came to me in an instance and that very moment I told him that I thought what I felt for him was love but I was not too sure. He didn’t show much interest but there were three to four instances after that when he told me he loves me and that made me really happy. I believed myself that love meant commitment and marriage. Things were all fine before I realized college was getting over and he started preparing for exams to go to the US for higher studies. I felt very insecure but he told me he was not interested to go and he was just writing the exams for his parent’s sake. I always encouraged him to do well in tests and I helped him with these exams too. After the exams he decided to go and he applied to universities got admission and all but I was still sitting with the confidence he won’t leave me. He was so emotionally dependent on me for the first two years and he always wanted me with him and got so upset when we fought so I was confident he won’t leave me. Things turned the other way round. He was firm about his career and I realized in the process I became so weak and so dependent on him. Till he got his visa there was some gut feeling that I won’t be left alone because he always assured me he can’t be without me, he needed me and he knew I was addicted to him too. But reality stood in front of me very soon. The day he left to the US I felt so cheated. I felt so much void and emptiness in my life. Till then I spend the whole day messaging or chatting with him and now I was lonely. My parents were getting all the more worried but I could not tell them anything as I know I will hurt them. I was feeling guilty of going out around seven times in the four years without my parent’s knowledge. I was already scared of guys but I found this friend of mine so genuine that I trusted him so much and now I was left alone! I feel so frustrated, irritated, I don’t eat, sleep or do anything the proper way. I have started suspecting my friend I don’t have the same trust. I feel so jealous when I get to know he speaks with other girls. It’s almost three months since he is in the US and I have been fighting always. I am so frustrated that I show it on everyone in my family. I was never like this before and I am consciously hurting everyone. Though I know I am making a big mistake I am not able to control myself. He still tells me he loves me but it’s after three months he is telling me he can’t marry me because his parents won’t agree. He is sure he loves me but he can’t go beyond his parents. I feel so dumped. I seriously don’t understand why he didn’t think of his parents all these days or before asking me out first. I mean I have transformed myself so much for him that I am not able to cope up with this. I think of days we were together what all we spoke of and I am totally attracted with him. He made me so many fancy dreams and now I am all black. He does not give me any commitment but he still wants me to be his friend and he talk of kissing me and hugging me while we chat online and that’s really disturbing me. I am spending sleepless nights and I am not able to divert myself on doing anything. I have no concentration on any work. I know I can’t think of any commitment anymore but I am so attracted and I am not able to control my thoughts though I know I am making a mistake. It’s so difficult to be a friend now as the past is haunting me. I am also feeling guilty I spoke of sex, agreed to kiss him on phone on his request and did so much for a guy who dumped me but I am not able to forget him I was so totally against all that and I feel like I am a sinner now. I still want to be a good friend and support him as he is feeling so lonely in the new place but I am not able to. I am not able to be his friend when I know I love him. I am not able to come out of all this because I still miss him and I know he was nice but I also feel guilty I was made to do all wrong things. I am just not able to trust anyone. I feel so lonely and depressed. Whole day I think of my past. I feel like I am in a trap, I can’t come out nor am I able to stay in. Every time we decide to part we get back in hours. Please help me and advice me what to do. Am I making mistakes? Should I just put an end to all this and concentrate on my life? How but? Thanks in advance :)

Accept that you are dumped, unfortunately. Make him clear that after the long path you have walked with him, you cannot stop at just being a friend to him. He has to decide between marrying you or leaving you forever. Your nature will never allow you to be happy in in-between state. Breaking up may leave you in pain but with the passage of time you should come out. Do not feel guilty about good time that you have passed with him, rather enjoy those moments in your memories. Do not try to forget him or to drive away his memories. More hard you try this, more pain and helplessness you will feel. Remember forgetting is an automatic process, you do not have to do anything; time will do the trick. Just go ahead in your life, may almighty bless you.