Dear Dr Hansal , I shall be obliged if you could go through my personal problem : I am retired defense officer , since 55 years living with my wife ( 50 years) ,and married son and his wife . I am facing some problem from my spouse. The problem is of negative thinking. She finds fault in everything we do. The problem is since long back, but has exaggerated since last 4 -5 years and getting unbearable. I feel she is egoist, does not look into her inner self and feels that whatever she says is right and rest of the family is wrong. She uses language which hurts easily, but she denies that her language is not harsh. She is miser in dealing with maid servants and often scolds them on small issues. The result is that no maid servant stays for longer time and quits often. Keeps servants busy for most of the time. My grown up sons feel bad to observe her behavior and quite often it leads to quarrel with her. She gets wild and starts scolding every body in the family. She gets angrier with the feeling that we give so much importance to maids and care for them more than her. But she fails to realize, her own bad behavior towards maids scolding and bad treatment. She feels that I don’t support her when others raise fingers on her. But how I can support her in her wrong doings. She thinks one sided. She is egoist and not able to come out of her world. She hurts others feelings easily and without repent. It seems she does not know how bad she is .She behaves like a Hitler at home. But other wise she is good at her heart , very strong , helping, homely ,spiritual, extrovert , good house keeping ,good in kitchen , good relations and welcomes guests etc . One of my sons is in business and married .His wife is also egoist, obstinate, but otherwise she is homely and good. But my wife and daughter in law somewhat are ok, except with usual stings of small ego clashes which often occur. I am retired defense scientist and running a small business. I am somewhat introvert, speak less, and a thinker and observer of things around me. I do write a lot on social issues. I am analytical in approach and problem solving. I am not able to find ways to solve my own family problem i.e. how to bring my wife on right track and thinking. We have all good things, fair income, technical job, good house to live and few servants, but we do not have peace just because of my wife whose behavior is not acceptable to anybody in family. Whenever there is quarrel with her, we have to surrender, but she never realizes her mistake and never repents. Please let me know if you can help in this matter. I will be highly thankful.

I feel that she is suffering from personality disorder (cluster II personality). Majority of behavior you mentioned here is observed in such type of personalities. Counseling will help her and will help you & your family members to deal with her.