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Dr. Hansal Bhachech is a very popular author, columnist and psychiatrist of western India. His writings are simple, practical, reality oriented, to the point and witty.

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I have separated from my husband recently. My daughter, who is four and half years old, suddenly has to cope with many changes. I have shifted to my parents’ house. Here, she has to adjust with her grandparents and a new locality where she has no friends. Tell me as to what should be my attitude towards her? How can I inculcate good values in her in the little time we have without her feeling neglected and also without spoiling or pampering her?

Since you have not mentioned about the reason of separation from your husband and also about the attachment of the child with the father, it becomes little difficult to talk. However, since she is at a malleable age, it should not be very difficult for her to adjust to this new environment until and unless she is extremely hurt or affected by the separation. There will be teething problems that will have triumph over time. You will have to be very supportive but firm with her so that she does not take the sympathetic advantage of the situation. Every child knows basic good values and they are not taught they are learnt on their own so one just has to be a good example to them.

Dear Dr.Bhachech, I have been a great fan of your book (Pun hun tane prem karu Chu) and my parents literally wait for your column published in Gujarat Samachar.I would take this opportunity to share my feelings with you and request you to suggest a way. I am the only child of my parents. I got married on 12th Mar 2009.It was an arranged marriage. My husbands name is Mehul and he is the only son. There is a history of my in-laws…When my husband was only 13 yrs he lost his father.6 months later, she got married with man (17yrs elder to her) who also had lost his wife & my second father in law had 2children from his first wife. Due to family clashes after remarriage my father in law’s both children got separated and not in talking terms with his father and my mother in law, my husband…….My husband was only14 yrs old at that time…….he completed his graduation and started working in share market. He is at a good post in HSBC and has a huge friend circle…..he is excellent in communication and any one can blindly get impressed by the way of his talks……he is also a good hearted person……he shares a good rapport with all his friends and anyone who comes in his contact. But is Mummy’s boy which I was able to smell it during my courtship period…..I ignored it looking at his other qualities…but my mother in law always behaved in a strange manner like she use to tell me post my engagement that her son can leave me but not his mother….he will do only that I will say etc. My husband and my in laws were very happy and almost praising about me and said that they were so lucky that they got me and my parents…My husband was literally proud of me…Since 2nd month of my marriage my mother in law with no fault of mine started yelling at me, unnecessarily taking out nooks in my work, complaining behind my back to my husband and father in law. Slowly it had become a daily affair of abusing me and saying bad words….also in front of my husband and he can never utter a single word in front of her……I never back answered her because my husband always wanted to respect his mother…..and I was trying my best to do what she expected and my husband was also aware about it as had many times shared with me at night when we were alone that he is aware about his mothers nature and that she is behaving like a typical mom-in-law…But since she had sacrificed a lot for bringing him up he cannot say anything…….He always use to tell that I am doing my best and that he will always be there for me and much more…..We both were happy together but my mother in law couldn’t see this. She also didn’t like him talking to my parents or me talking with my parents and she forced me to keep my cell phone at my parents place. So that I cannot communicate with my parents…..As days were passing due to some or the other reasons she use to abuse me, my parents and all of a sudden my entire family became enemies for her and looking this even my husband started ignoring my parents. Unfortunately I lost my father in law 6months after my marriage due to heart attack, worst came that she made me the reason of his death, that I got married and within 6months my father in law expired. There was no one at my in laws place with whom I was able to share the feelings and was affecting my health. I still managed but after one month of his death my husband called my parents at night and I was unaware about the situation. He told my parents to take me for 4 days because my mother in law was under depression and doesn’t like to see my face. He also said that he understands that this doesn’t look good and it’s not my fault but he will try to convince his mother….but will surely come and take me back in 4 days. And from that day till now there has been no communication from their end…..no sms, no call, no miss call, no email nothing. I and my family tried all possible ways to meet him but his only answer was I am not interested in talking about this now and don’t torture me or bother me. I was communicating with him almost till now but no reply for months and few replies which I got was only to stop my philosophical nonsense…or stop those once upon a time stories…or you have hurt my feelings, I am happy alone and don’t need you back etc. I love my husband still. Don’t know why but I am still hoping that he comes back and takes me…….I believe in keeping relationships and not ruining them for ego or anger…But I again think he wont because his mother doesn’t want me back and she has also told his son that I will make his life hell……Its been 5 months I am staying with my parents and they showed no interest in talking to us or sharing their thought…….Please let me know what should we do now……I am unable to let go my feelings for him just thinking that he was caring and understanding but what has happened to him now……Kindly suggest that is it worth waiting for him or take divorce. Thanks for your co-operation. I look forward to hearing from you at the earlier. Thanks and Regards

You did a mistake of marrying him when you were aware that he was momma’s boy and his momma gave enough indications about that. Yours was an arranged marriage and in that case you could have easily denied marrying such man. Now, you should talk to him (even if he is not taking initiative) about the future of your marital relationship in assertive way. You should not sit quietly and wait for his mercy. Depending on this discussion you should take your next step.

Thank you so much for your timely help through e-consultation. Your e-consultation service is a blessing for people like us who stays away from our country and finding really tough to explain our problems to foreign doctors. Your suggestions were
Respected Dr. Bhachech
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