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Dr. Hansal Bhachech is a very popular author, columnist and psychiatrist of western India. His writings are simple, practical, reality oriented, to the point and witty.

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Dear Sir, Before 1 month I got engaged. After that I started talking with my fiancé on phone. We talked on general topics. But 1 day he came at my home on my B’Day and at that day he want to wish my Birth Day with hugs and kisses. And I couldn’t refuse him. Actually I don’t like these before marriage but he wanted. Now he wants to meet me again and again and on the phone he wants that I’ll give kisses and want to talk on love. Please suggest me that these things are right before marriage or not. And if not how can I refuse him? Our marriage will be after 4 month.

Some amount of physical and romantic acts in pre-marriage period is normal. However, it should be limited to hugs and kisses. Intimate physical activity (which includes intercourse) should be avoided and kept as a special gift to give each other. This will add an excitement and eagerness to your marriage. While you involve yourself in soft physical activities (like hugs, kisses etc.) be sure that you will not slip into further. He may try to proceed (as a part of male nature) but you need to control him saying you have decided to give that as a special gift after marriage. If he does not understand this melodramatic approach then you need to talk seriously on this issue, clarifying that you do not believe in crossing the limits before marriage.

Respected Sir, I want to share my brother’s problem with you. My brother got married last year. It was an arrange marriage. The problem is that my Bhabhi is at her home & is not willing to come back nor is she telling her decision. There have been some issues between my Bhabhi & parents but nothing majorly wrong to have aroused this situation. MY PARENTS SIDE OF STORY: She does not work at home. She gets up very late. Does lot of shopping. Does not take responsibility at home. Was working before marriage but suddenly chose to study (heavy fee amount) but Is very casual about her studies also, even if she works in the kitchen for half an hour she starts saying she is feeling exhausted & weak. If we say something to her, she starts arguing. She does not respect us. MY BROTHER SIDE OF THE STORY: He says he tries his level best to support her by defending even her wrong things in front of parents. Whenever she wants she shops, wants to have something, however tired he is he makes it a point to get it for her. They go out for movies very frequently, in case she is making breakfast for him he helps her or even makes breakfast for her if she doesn’t feel good but reacts when she says anything against parents. He was ready to take loan for her for her studies. MY BHABHIS SIDE OF STORY: She wants to be independent. Says why she can’t get up late & does whatever she wants to do. She says no one takes care of her when she feels sick. She feels insecure and says that my brother defends his parents. She feels ignored by parent in laws. My understanding of the story: My Bhabhi seems to be too sensitive, not able to adjust to the married life. Wants full support of my brother whether she is right or wrong. Doesn’t want any kind of interference and wants to stay as she was staying before marriage. My parents try to control their anger but sometimes they can’t. Now that she is at her home and not coming even after lot of efforts from my brother’s end, we don’t know what to do. The day she was to go, there was an issue at home on something and she cried that parents are ignoring her. My mother though was upset on a genuine reason requested her not to cry, said sorry also and everything was fine when she left our house. My brother & Bhabhi didn’t talk for a week but he made my mom call her. He has been calling her since then but she initially said that she is feeling weak and will come once she feels good. Every time she is saying this. She never called up my brother or parents. Nor did her parent’s call them but her mom called me up and said that her daughter is crying and whenever we ask her to go back she shivers. I told her that she doesn’t have to worry so much. My brother is ready to take extra care of her you ask him to take her back. He went there many a times but she is not ready to come. She when asked whether wants to stay with him says how I can say anything right now. I am mentally not feeling good. Can’t decide anything. Her parents also say they can’t force her to go. They all are very disturbed. There has been no communication from her parent’s side also. Few days back she called my brother saying she wants to come home to get her books. We welcomed them … My mother said its her home & whenever she wishes to come , she is most welcome .She came , took her books, passport & certificates & went away. She went but never called after that. Sir, my brother is making lot of efforts to work this relation. I know my parents also. Their concerns are genuine but maybe their reaction of ignoring her is not right but there are bound to be some conflicts when you stay together. My brother is very emotional. He also seems to be losing mental peace. He says he has tried level best but she wants to stay there for unlimited period without even telling her intention and wants me to stay away from parents ( Though she never said that but indirectly wants to convey this) I can’t do that. She has hurt him again & again and now he doesn’t want to try. My parents say if she wants to come back we will keep our mouth shut and let her do whatever she wants to do but at least their sons life should not become miserable. Please advise Sir what we should do.

You have already done whatever was needed. Now it’s time to keep patience from your side. Just stop putting further efforts and give her time. If she initiates any dialogues in this direction then she is interested in saving her marriage otherwise you have to consider that she is not interested. You cannot keep on agreeing her demands like this otherwise she will be inclined to use such tactics in future also. You can also think of consulting psychiatrist for counselling.

Thank you so much for your timely help through e-consultation. Your e-consultation service is a blessing for people like us who stays away from our country and finding really tough to explain our problems to foreign doctors. Your suggestions were
Respected Dr. Bhachech
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